#it's not serious and my vision is not impaired i just get freaked out about anything about my sight or hands

[kawareo]

Eye infection... T-T begone

[mmonamona]

petty fights and lonely nights [corpse husband x reader]

synopsis: it’s the first time visiting your boyfriend, and with new experiences comes you first serious argument. fluffy ending cus I’m a sap.

a/n: ahhhhhh I’m nervous to post this but I’ve been simping too long and I need to get this idea out of my head. Also if you follow me and you see this, no you didn’t❤️ also also if anyone want to request anything, go ahead. Uni is kinda hectic but writing relaxes me so feel free to do so.

It was just another night, really. You could hear Corpse’s laughter from beyond the wall of his recording room as you prepped dinner, remembering the intricacies of his diet and preferences. You weren’t an amazing cook, but you were definitely better than him when it came down to it, and you refused to have him order takeout once again.

Since you had come to visit Corpse for the week, you noticed he seemed apologetic about pretty much everything in his life. He apologised his apartment wasn’t clean enough; he apologised he couldn’t do anything but order takeout for every meal; he apologised about his irregular sleeping pattern, and so on. Over and over you assured him that it was no problem, to which he would give a somewhat wary smile and a kiss on your forehead, only to continue with his everyday tasks. The week had almost gone by and already his apartment was looking tidier and his cupboards more stocked. It wasn’t that you were a clean freak per se, but you wanted to help the man you loved. You opted to doing smaller everyday tasks he wouldn’t normally be able to do without much effort because of his anxiety, like buying groceries and taking out the garbage. It was almost as if you already lived together.

With dinner now arranged, you wandered over to his door of his recording room to be greeted with silence. A peek inside confirmed that he had ended his stream and was now editing, so you walked in and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hey babe, dinners ready. You should come eat,” you smiled encouragingly.

“I’ll come later, gotta finish editing this.” He said, giving you a quick glance before looking back down wrapping himself back up in his work. The pressure of gaining fame so quickly was clearly taking a toll on him, and you couldn't help but notice even with how much as he tried to hide it from you.

“Corpse, you’ve barely eaten anything all day. And you have to eat soon if you wanna fall asleep-”

“I know ok? Stop coddling me.” He grunted, not taking his eyes off the screen, but he seemed to halt his work on the computer in front of him. You paused, processing his words.

“...Coddling you? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You huffed, crossing your arms.

“You’ve been treating me like a child this whole week. I’m not bedridden, I can do things for myself.” He said, not even having to raise his voice for his words to sting.

“So thats what this is about? You think I-“

“Just fuck off, I don’t need you mothering me.”

His words lingered in the silence of the room like a bitter taste you couldn't wash down, and neither of you seemed to have a rebuttal. You could’ve shouted at him real nice and loud, given him a piece of you mind, but as you stood there imprisoned in your own thoughts, you realised it wouldn't be worth it. 

You rolled your eyes, letting out a huff of air. “Fine.”

With that, you left the room, the door closing shut behind you as you stomped across the apartment. Your stubbornness had you in a frenzy, impulsively pushing you through the living room and past the dining table, your mind set on leaving there and now. You opened the front door and- ..oh.

You didn’t have any shoes on. Or a jacket. And where would you even go? It’s not like you had any friends in the area. Or a car. And your phone was still inside.

These realisations were enough to snap you out of your stubbornness and make you roll your eyes at you rash behaviour. Fuck, you were really dramatic when angry.

You lived nowhere near, and you sure as hell weren’t getting a hotel room just because of a silly argument. With a sigh you stepped back into the apartment and slammed the front door shut, walking back into the living room and spreading yourself on the couch.

‘Our first fight’ you thought. It was so stupid, and now that you were calming down, you realised you could’ve handled that so much better. You peeked at the door of his recording room, guilt and regret flooding your mind. Admittedly, you didn’t know what you were expecting, but there was no sign that he had even moved from the position you left him in. As much as you wanted to go back and give him a hug and apologise, you thought it was best if you let him cool down too.

You figured he wasn’t coming out anytime soon, so you grabbed your dinner plate and sat back on the couch, settling for eating in silence. Watching a movie or something on your phone just didn’t attract you right now, not when you had so much on your mind.

Had you been coddling him? It wasn’t like you meant to baby him around, it’s just that you wanted to help him. You wanted to show him that you cared, that he could rely on you and that you would help him in any way. You didn’t even realise he could have taken it the wrong way, and it made you feel even more guilty. You frowned as you munched on your food, feeling lonely for the first time since you stepped foot into the apartment. Sure, you weren’t always with each other even now, but with the tension between the two of you, you couldn’t help but think that you missed him, even if it had barely been 10 minutes since you exchanged words.

God you wanted to slap yourself. You had only been dating him for a couple of months and yet you had fallen so hard. You almost laughed at yourself as you got up and put your empty plate in the sink, realising just how whipped you were. You turned back to the dining table, the remaining plate making you frown again, but you just walked back to the couch and sat down, pondering on how you could spend your time. You figured mindlessly scrolling through twitter could help you pass the time.

It couldn’t have been 20 minutes before you heard a door open, the sound of footsteps and sniffles echoing in the silent apartment. 

...Wait- sniffles?

Your head whipped around, and you were met with the sight of your boyfriend standing in the doorway of his recording room, his face stained with tears so uncharacteristic of him, his eyes clearly searching for you in the dark living room. His eyes hadn’t yet adjusted to the darkness and the fact that he couldn’t find you with his temporarily impaired vision was freaking him out, the eyepatch he still had on not doing him any favours.

“Y/n?” His voice wavered, lip trembling as if he was on the verge of tears once again.

“Babe. I’m here,” you replied quickly, getting up off the couch and towards him, where he met you in a warm embrace. You felt his figure relax against you; he released a shaky sigh to calm his breathing and held you tight, almost as if he was afraid you'd disappear from between his arms.

“I thought you left,” he whimpered, face buried in your neck. You rubbed his back in a comforting manner, and your other hand went up to play with his hair like you had every night all week when he couldn’t sleep, “I heard the front door-”

“No baby, I would never leave you. I was just angry, you know I’d never do that.” you whispered, tears gathering in your eyes.

“I’m so fucking sorry, I’m such an idiot and I s-shouldn’t have-”

“It’s okay Corpse, I know you didn't mean it,” you cooed, reassuring him with a kiss on the cheek as his breathing steadied, “I just- I don’t mean to pamper you or whatever,” you started. “And I don’t do it because of your health or because I pity you. I do it because I love you. Because you mean the world to me and I wish-“ your voice cracked, and you felt him tighten his arms around you even more; you recognised the sound of him holding back his cries. 

“I wish I could love all your problems away, but I know I can’t so I just.. I love you in the ways I can. You���re never a burden to me. And you deserve the world and I just wish I could give it to you.” You rambled, voice heavy with emotions. You buried your face in the soft fabric of his hoodie, wishing you could remain like this until the end of time.

“I love you too,” he sighed, “and I don’t need the world. I just need you.”

[clatterbane]

At this point, I am at least hopeful that this damned eye might be clearing up to the point of being good to go, so I can try and get a license here.

In Sweden, everybody has to submit specified vision testing results from an optometrist. They really are not messing around with the DMV eye chart approach I am way more used to. There would also be a whole PITA medical review procedure to go through, though hopefully whoever is handling that will have their shit together better than the DVLA department doing that in the UK is reputed to.

At least neither place is it relying on the standard run of NHS doctors, who are kinda renowned for not knowing what the regulations actually are.* And hopefully the driving license agency itself isn't as obstructionist to, like, everyone--not just disabled people.

(Back in Virginia? I would just keep my mouth shut about all that shit on DMV paperwork--and make it abundantly clear to the opthalmologist that, no, I have absolutely no intention of driving with seriously fucked-up vision in one eye. All they were requiring was a declaration that you are not knowingly planning to drive while significantly medically impaired. Which I truly would not. No lies involved.)

Hassles I really do not need, but as I read the regulations here? That should be the only legitimate barrier to driving. My blood sugar control has been solid enough since I actually got appropriate treatment, that the endo nurse here was jokingly asking if I were really diabetic at all. (Ngl, that automatically freaked me out a little after all the damned medical gaslighting.) They were suggesting that I should maybe back off it some, but now they've seen from CGM data that I'm not having a bunch of lows either.

So far, I've never had a hypo serious enough that I couldn't handle it by myself, much less needed medical attention. *fingers crossed* And that's what they're mainly worried about in terms of road safety: how likely you might be to unexpectedly pass out behind the wheel, or "just" start driving like someone has slipped you several drinks. Which is a pretty understandable concern, whether or not I like the idea of bureaucratic medical reviews with all the ways that can go wrong.

Whether or not I can manage to get set up with a Robo Leg soon (and I am certainly hoping to!), things should be fine on that front. Worst case, there are adaptive controls, which the system here is even supposed to set you up with. I would be fine to go right now with an automatic transmission, much as I don't like them. (And they're unusual in Europe.) Only need one foot for that, worst case. That's what most people in similar situations in the US seem to be doing. Not sure if that simple solution would pass the added official gatekeeping here, but something should be totally workable right now.

At any rate, I never for a second intended to give up driving. The relative difficulty of public transport gives me an even bigger push. Once I am sure I can pass the vision testing--and, you know, actually feel safe myself to get behind the wheel? I do intend to try and get that ball rolling.

A decent bit sharper curve to get there than it would have been back home, including with not having driven at all for 10+ years now. 😬 But hey, I am pretty determined.

Just having the option would do A LOT for my wellbeing in general. Should help me get out more with way less spoon drain, and actually get more shit accomplished. It certainly did the last time I was back home, though working around some different disability specifics at that point. In a way, I was very sorry to have to go back to where I had to depend on public transport. 😑

_________

* I did run into this one otherwise total asshole opthalmologist I kept getting stuck seeing, who chose to keep browbeating me basically over being diabetic at all--rather than treat the actual problem before it snowballed. But, he ALSO repeatedly threatened to report me to the DVLA for just being diagnosed with retinopathy. With the explicit goal of getting my license yanked over the diagnosis itself. (Who knows what that dude was planning to claim, though. Or what shit he might have actually pulled in other patients unfortunate enough to deal with him 😒)

When, at the time? I'd never held a British license, and it was not affecting my actual vision whatsoever. Yet. 😬 And in reality, under DVLA regulations, I was golden.

[98prilla]

Medicate

Thomas decides to try anxiety medication, working together with Virgil to find the one that works

AO3

….

I myself am on anxiety medication, and it is so helpful. I kinda hate the "Thomas takes medication and it hurts Virgil" trope, because that's not what the medication is meant to do, and if it does hurt you, then it's either the wrong dose or the wrong medication. This is mostly based off my own experiences trying to find the one that works.

….

“Hey.” He says, popping onto his place on the stairs, eyebrow raised as he looks around and sees no one else, just Thomas. “Sup?” He asks, nervousness creeping into him at Thomas's silence.

 “I… wanted to talk to you about something. But I don’t want you to freak out and run away. I won’t do this if you don’t want me to.” Thomas says seriously, and his heart is racing now as he forces a deep breath in.

 “Ok. Ok. Whatever it is, I won’t run, ok? Just… tell me now and explain after, otherwise, well, anxiety.” Thomas takes a deep breath, nodding once to steel himself.

 “I want to start anxiety medication.” Static roars in his ears. He’s been too much, of course he has, and now Thomas is going to get rid of him just like he always should have.

 “il. Virgil. Breathe. In for four… hold for seven… out for eight.” He slowly gets ahold of himself, following Thomas's voice out and back to reality until he blinks and his vision clears.

 “sorry. I… whatever it was, I’m sorry." His voice is a whisper, but Thomas hears, coming closer and kneeling at the base of the stairs.

 “no. It’s not like that, Virgil. I’ve been researching a lot. This isn’t to get rid of you. It won’t get rid of you. I want it to help. The both of us." He uncurls slightly, reassured at Thomas’s vehemence, curiosity peeking through. Thomas sees this and continues at his small nod.

“You work so hard, Virgil. And I appreciate it, I do. But we both know you go overboard sometimes. I’m not blaming you, I know you can’t help it, that we, can’t help it. But that isn’t healthy. Not being able to sleep, not being able to eat, heart racing and stomach churning constantly, isn’t healthy.” He nods again. He knows this. He can’t stop how he is, but he knows his habits are unhealthy. “That's what the meds are for. Not to get rid of you, not to impair your purpose, just… just to take the edge off. To give you space to breathe. To just… be. Help us relax, help us not overblow things, and if it is doing more than that, if it is hurting you, then it isn’t doing its job right, ok? If we do this, I need you on board. If you feel wrong or bad or sick, then either the dose or the med isn’t right for us, and we’ll try something else. The goal is not to get rid of you, Virg. It’s to help you.”

 He’s silent for a moment, taking it all in, processing the information, before taking a deep breath, pushing back his hair.

 “ok.”

 “Ok?”

 “Yeah. Ok. A few years ago I woulda laughed in your face, but I… I trust you, Thomas. Yeah, I’m freaked out and scared half to death but that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? I’m scared and guarded and overwhelmed all the time. I’m so… tired.” He bites his lip, looking down, feeling the tension thrumming in his shoulders, the slightly too fast beat of his heart, how even now his mind is screaming danger, and feels the weight of the world atop him. “I’m tired Thomas. So if you think this will help, ok. Let’s try it.”

 “Thank you, virg. For hearing me out. I’m proud of you.” He hides his smile by rolling his eyes, looking up at Thomas.

 “yeah, well, don’t go soft on me now, Thomas.” A small salute, and he's gone, leaving Thomas chuckling to himself on the staircase.

…

He pops into the living room with little fanfare, flopping onto the couch with a low sigh, faceplanting into the cushions. He can hear the scratch of Princey’s pencil against paper, Logan turning pages in a book, Patton humming softly to himself, but his hair prickles.

 “It’s rude to stare, y’know.” He says, voice muffled by the cushion, but still loud enough they all hear.

 “You’re not even looking at us! How do you know we’re staring?” Roman asks, and he rolls his eyes, flipping over so his head is against the arm rest, hugging a pillow to his stomach.

 “Logan reads faster than that, he was barely turning pages. Patton only hums like that when he’s nervous and trying to pretend he’s not focused on the thing that he is focused on, and you kept stopping writing every few seconds before picking up again, erasing whatever you just wrote.” Roman gapes at him, Logan adjusts his glasses and Patton whispers ‘wow’.

 “You got all that from listening?” Princey squeaks and he smirks.

 “Amazing what you notice when you shut your mouth, Princey.” Roman splutters, making him laugh, Logan shaking his head fondly.

 “so kiddo… how’d it go?” Patton asks softly, slipping onto the end of the couch, and Virgil looks up at him in surprise.

 “You knew?”

 “We did. Thomas approached all of us first, so we would be prepared to help, whatever the outcome of the conversation was. Based on your demeanor, I would assume it went well?” Logan asks, and he sighs, sitting up, hugging the pillow closer.

 “Y’know, usually I’m not a fan of people talking behind my back, but I’ll let it slide this time.” He comments, smiling slightly as Patton slides across the couch, sitting so their sides are touching.

 “We get it, doom and gloom, how did it go?” Roman asks, throwing up his hands in faux exasperation.

 “good, I guess. We talked, and I’m still… anxious, obviously, about it, about what could go wrong, but Thomas said that if it affects me… badly… he’ll stop. That it isn’t supposed to get rid of me, so we’re gonna try.”

 “Thomas is correct. The medication is not supposed to impair you, rather it is supposed to help you better distinguish what is urgent and what is not. If it is doing anything other than that, it is not only harming you, but harming Thomas as well. I will be making daily observations, about your mood, physical state, mental state, sleep and food intake, to help monitor the effects of the medication and make sure that it is not causing you harm.”

 “Oh Logan. You do care.” He snarks playfully, catching Logan’s stifled smile.

 “Of course he does. We all do, Virg. We’ll all be keeping an eye out, ok?” Roman, soft and serious as he catches his eye.

 “thanks, princey.” Patton simply shifts closer, waiting for his nodded permission before resting his head on his shoulder in silent support.

…

The first medication goes poorly.

 Things are fine, at first. It takes two to three weeks to kick in, after all, though Virgil starts noticing changes by the end of week one.

 He feels strange. Odd. Off. Sometimes, the world seems to tilt under his feet, and he finds himself losing his balance, stumbling over his own feet, running into doors and walls, misjudging their distance. He writes it off as a result of not getting enough sleep, which is true. He’s sleeping less than normal, almost not at all, going through episodes of heightened energy before crashing.

 The crux of it all is when he’s been awake for five days straight, unable to turn off his mind, twitchy and sure that Thomas is being watched, being followed. He jumps at a hand on his shoulder, heart speeding, already on the edge of panic, eyeshadow dark and breathing rapid.

 “Virgil. We need to speak to Thomas.” His heart rate spikes further, and he pushes Logan away, shaking his head, hands shaking.

 “No. no, no, no. I can’t, I’m busy, they’re watching, I can’t go out there or they’ll see. They can’t see.”

 “I promise nothing will happen to you. They can’t get you if I’m there. I will keep you safe.” Hesitantly, he nods. Logan is smart, Logan can outsmart them, trick them, maybe he can get them to go away.

 “Thomas. This one isn’t working.” Logan states as they rise up. He is pressed against the wall, eyes darting wildly, breathing erratic and wrong, pressure building in his chest. Thomas looks up at him, eyes wide, and he stumbles back further.

 “Virgil?” He shakes his head, panic taking over him. Because that isn’t Thomas. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he knows, that isn’t Thomas, someone has taken Thomas and replaced him, this isn’t his host, his friend, and Thomas is in danger, and he didn’t notice and how could he fail like this, fail Thomas, like this?

 Then the world goes black.

…

They take a month. The medication needs to get out of Thomas’s system, and he needs to wean himself off it. He is paranoid and stressed and when it finally stops, he sleeps for nearly three days straight. During it all, the others take turns staying with him, never leaving him alone, constantly talking him down from his ever present fear and panic, wiping himself out with panic attacks day after day. It’s the worst experience of his entire life.

…

“Hey.” He appears of his own accord on the stairs, Thomas looking up from the couch, concern in his eyes. He hadn’t appeared since he’d passed out, though the others had, to give Thomas updates. He’d admitted he hadn’t been feeling quite right either, but hadn’t really noticed how bad he himself was getting until Virgil.

 “Virgil, are you ok? I’m so sorry, I-“ He holds up a hand, gathering his thoughts and stopping Thomas’s rambling.

 “I’m fine. You don’t need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault. We knew there was a chance it wasn’t gonna go well. Stuff like this, doesn’t usually work on the first try. But I think… I think we should try again.” Thomas blinks in surprise, looking at him carefully, trying to asses his words.

 “You do? I thought you’d be entirely against it now.” He shrugs, looking away.

 “Sure, that one didn’t go well, to say the least, but… I don’t want that to stop you. Stop us. It’ll still help, once we find the right one.” Thomas smiles softly, nodding.

 “ok. Ok, let’s do it. I’ll set up another appointment.”

…

He doesn’t notice the changes, this time.

 They are gradual. Slow.

 He finds the ever present tension leaking out of his shoulders.

 He finds it easier to breath. His chest feels lighter, open, not tight and taut and suffocating.

 He doesn’t panic, when the waiter asks Thomas to order. When a stranger bumps into Thomas on the street. When he fumbles over his words on a phone call.

 He’s sleeping. He finds himself drifting farther and farther from his usual 3am bedtime and noon wake up, until he’s forgoing his usual tumblr scrolling, phone set aside by ten. The first time he wakes up at nine, well rested and light, is when he realizes that this… this is working.

 He cries that day. He sits on the couch and cries, letting Patton pull him close and hold him, letting himself lean into the touch, and for once it doesn’t feel too much, it feels nice and good, and he cries harder as Patton shushes him, rubbing his back.

 “you ok, kiddo?” Patton asks, when his cries die down into sniffles, slipping off Patton’s lap, but not going far, letting the fatherly side keep an arm around his shoulders, gently rubbing circles with his thumb.

 “I didn’t realize… I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to feel like that, all the time. I didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be afraid all the time. I… I just…” He swipes at his eyes, letting out a shuddering sigh.

 “it’s ok, Virg. I’m just glad it helps. I’m so glad you’re doing better, I’m so glad this is working. You’re sleeping more. You’re smiling more. You’re laughing, Virgil, and it just makes me so, so, so, happy. You don’t look like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore. You don’t slouch as much, you’re more confident, you’re more open to touch, you come to us when you’re worked up, you’re not constantly second guessing yourself, and it’s beautiful, Virgil. It’s beautiful, to watch you grow like this. To watch you be able to let go of some of that.” He stares at Patton, mind spinning out, because he’d noticed some of that, but not all of it.

 “I hadn’t noticed.”

 “You aren’t supposed to. It’s not changing who you are, Virg. It’s just… letting you be who you are without all of the fear. It’s slow and steady progress. And I’m so proud of you, kiddo.”

 He buries his face against Patton’s side, laughing and crying all at once, because he loves this feeling, loves feeling like this, loves… loves himself.

 For the first time ever, he isn’t afraid.

 And  Patton is right.

 It’s beautiful.

[f0rever15elf]

So I’m hearing impaired. I hate using my hearing aids because they’re uncomfortable and all they do is make what you can hear louder. I feel like I’m being yelled at when I wear them 🙃 I lipread a lot and I do sign with close family and friends. How would the boys do with that in a s/o? Thx 🤟🏻💕

I didn’t realize that’s how hearing aids “improved” hearing. That’s interesting to know! 

Head Canon Masterlist

When You’re Hard of Hearing

Whiskey: His first idea is to go to Ginger to see if Statesman can help construct a better hearing aid, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re being shouted at and is a little less bulky or uncomfortable for you. (”Jack, stop misusing Statemen funds.” “Never, Ginge, love you kthanksbye”) If you don’t want that, or if Ginger isn’t able to do something like that, Jack starts changing how he sits with you and talks with you. He faces you more directly, and almost never looks away from you when he’s talking. he’s also trying to work on taming his drawl, knowing it can make his lips move in ways that aren’t exactly conducive to lip reading. As for sign language, if you’re willing to teach him, he’s willing to learn. But be patient with him, he struggles with signing a bit. 

Javi: If they make you uncomfortable, Javi would rather have you have the hearing aids out while you’re at home with him. he always tries to move into your line of sight before touching you so you don’t spook from not hearing him coming. he also knows he mumbles, so when you tell him you lip read, he tries a lot hard to annunciate so you can better read his lips. There’s a translator at the embassy, and a few nights a week, you’ll notice him coming home later than normal. When you finally confront him and ask you why, he pulls a book on ASL and a book on Mexican sign language out. He’s been staying after to practice with the translator. If you don’t know Mexican sign, well, he’ll learn together with you. he wants to be able to woo you in both his languages, all the time cause he’s thoughtful like that. 

Frankie: Frankie, as part of his reintegration from the military, has spent a fair bit of time at the VA with soldiers who lost their hearing over seas. They teach classes to teach ASL, usually reserved for the ones who are injured. However, when he explains that you’re the one with the hearing impairment, and he wants to be able to talk to you comfortably, the teacher decides to let him sit in on the sessions. Frankie is really excited about it, and comes home every day to practice with you, and it’s super endearing. Sometimes it slips his mind that you’re hard of hearing, because you can read his lips, so he’ll turn around to do something while talking to you only to turn back and see your bemused face and he freaks out a little bit, apologizing and restating what he had said before. He wants so badly to do right by you. 

Ezra: You’re going to be learning how new words look on his lips, because his lexicon is astounding, and he intends to use it. He’s another type to move into your field of vision before touching you so as to not spook you, because he wants you as comfortable as possible around him. Signing is harder and modified for him since he can’t do the two handed signs anymore, and if you’re right dominant, his signs are mirrored from yours, but you two make it work. He’s the type to slip you notes as a form of communication because he thinks it's cute, even if you’re sitting beside him and could very easily just talk. He’s kinda cheesy like that. 

Oberyn: Oberyn is a very quick learner, so when you tell him you’re more comfortable with signing and lip reading than anything that simply amplifies sounds, he takes to learning straight away. He’ll surprise you with everything he’s learned, and how quickly he’s picked it up, insisting on spending nights talking to you through sign language. He’s another mumbler, especially when he’s trying to keep things sultry in the bedroom, so he works on improving his annunciation when he’s talking to you so you can better read his lips. He wants you to feel comfortable and considered when you’re with him, so he will learn whatever he needs to to make that your reality. 

Din: Din speaks a lot of languages already, what’s one more? He picks up Basic sign pretty quickly, you’re almost surprised. But then again, he’s your Mandalorian, he’s gotta be a quick learner. Before you join his clan, lip reading doesn’t happen, for obvious reasons, so he relies heavily on BSL to communicate with you, and that’s a very big driving force for him to learn as quickly as he can. Because you’re sharing the ship with him, he needs a way to call for you when you aren’t wearing your hearing aids, so he gets a bracelet made that hooks up to his vembrace. he can push a button and the bracelet will buzz, letting you know you need to go see what he needs. When the helmet finally comes off around you, he spends most of the time on the ship with it off so you can read his lips (and you definitely don’t mind that, he has a pretty face). 

Pero: Anything besides an ear horn doesn’t exist in this day and age, and Pero doesn’t want you needing to carry one of those around with you. Not at home, and not in the village. He works with you, asking you to teach him how to communicate in your sign language so he can help you both at home and when you go out. He doesn’t mind playing interpreter for you, he actually quite enjoys it. What he really likes, though, are the nights where the two of you sit and talk and you just sit on his lap, watching his lips intently as he talks. He likes the attention a lot. No, no, don’t stop touching his face either. he likes that too. 

Max: “You know what’ll fix that? Becoming a vampire.” It’s only partially a joke. He’s serious that the turning will rectify your hearing and make it better than it had ever been in life, but he also won’t force you to turn. That’s gonna be your choice on your time. He has a nasty habit of spooking you though, the asshole. he does show he cares though. He looks you head on when he talks, and while you’re sleeping, he’s teaching himself to sign. it takes you by surprise one day when he signs “you’re my favorite person” to you. 

Maxwell: Money can buy many things, including the best medical treatment in the world. Maxwell would offer this to you; better hearing aids that are more comfortable and actually help you hear better, maybe even reconstructive surgery to help fix whatever issue in your inner ear is contributing to your difficulty hearing. He would gift the aids to you, but he wouldn’t force you to undergo surgery if you didn’t want to, but know the offer is always on the table. he looks directly at you when he talks, but as far as you can tell, he’s not working on learning sign, which is disheartening. That is, until your anniversary where he has some ridiculous monologue all planned out, completely in sign, to surprise you. It’s excessive, and there are some cute errors, but you love it just the same. AFter that, he signs with you more often. 

Marcus: Marcus would immediately look for learning resources to teach himself sign language. He’d also work with the interpreter at work to practice with so he can talk to you in a way that makes you comfortable. He’s constantly asking if he’s speaking clearly enough, or if he’s signing things right, because he never wants to feel like he’s disregarding your hearing impairment. He even asks you from time to time to practice with him, or to teach him some of the slang that you know that may not necessarily be taught in the books. He also sets up a discretionary account. It’s a special account to save up for better hearing aids if any that ever strike your fancy enter the market. But if you’d rather just be as you are, he has no problem acting as interpreter if you wish to forgo the hearing aids in public as well. 

[igottiny]

Got7 Scenario. They suffer a major brain injury during an accident and forget you.

Mark - The car crash has done a lot of damage. Fighting for his life in a medically induced coma you feared he would never actually get out of. All the tubes and wires attached to him for weeks on end, yet you never left his side. All the years you spent together and your biggest fear was always losing him.

The day enough his injuries, the broken bones, and incisions from the surgeries that saved his life were finally healed enough for them to remove a bunch of the wires and tubes, they gave him the medicine to bring him out of the coma. The only concern was the major brain injury. No one knew how much of his memory or motor function was going to be impacted. You waited with bated breath, his hand in yours, as he finally woke up after a few hours. His eyes blinked rapidly at the harsh hospital lights before looking around.

“Mark, sweetie. You’re awake. Thank god,” you say standing up and kissing his forehead. You were so relieved he was awake and on the road to recovery. The joy faded as he looked at you in complete confusion.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked out. “But who are you?”

Jackson - No matter how much you begged him to not do his own stunts for his safety, he insisted. There had been a number of small injuries over the years, nothing too serious. That is, until it was. The safety harness was faulty so instead of slowly descending onto the padded mat, he plummeted. He hit his head hard on a support beam on the way down and was rushed to the hospital due to the deep would on the left side of his head.

He was out of it for six days before he woke. And when he did, he didn’t seem to remember a lot of things. He remembered his name and home town, but couldn’t remember the film he was working on and only barely remembered that he was part of Got7. He couldn’t even remember where he currently lived. The doctors tried to warn you that there was an extremely high chance that he wouldn’t recognize you.

“Jackson! Thank god you’re awake,” you say, relieved at actually being able to see him sitting up. You stopped once you were standing next to his bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed you added, “How are you feeling?”

“Do I know you,” he asked, the confusion evident by his expression.

“I’m Y/N. We’ve been dating for the last few years.”

“We couldn’t be. I’m still under the contractual three year dating ban.”

JB - It was just a normal game of football with friends. Sure they got a little aggressive but that was normal. Yes, it was a friendly game, but everyone still wanted to win. They tripped and shoved each other all the time. However, it was when Jaebeom got simultaneously tripped and shoved that he was unable to catch himself, head slamming into the ground. He was knocked out and an ambulance was called.

A couple hours later he was awake and sitting in the ER with a concussion, some stitches in his forehead, and from what the doctors were saying, some memory issues that should only be short term. However, only time will tell. Once he was released and home you stopped by and let yourself in with the key he gave you. He promptly freaked out.

“It’s me Beommie. Y/N. We’ve been together for the last two years. You gave me a copy of the key. Remember,” you ask him once he finally calmed down.

“What do you mean we’ve been together and I gave you a key? I’ve never met you before.”

Jinyoung - It was supposed to be his ideal date. You were both just being kids together playing in the river on a summer day. Both of you having fun until he wandered out a bit too far and lost his footing in the under current. It was a miracle he didn’t drown as he hit his head on a rock under water and was knocked unconscious before bystanders could pull him out.

At the hospital he awoke with some nasty bruising and swelling. An MRI scan revealed impaired function of the left hemisphere and cerebellum of his brain where the worst of the impact was with the underwater rock. This explained why his speech was slurred and why he couldn’t remember why he was in the river or what he was doing there that day. You were soon brought into the hospital room, the hope was that it may trigger his memory to start coming back as you had been together for nearly three years.

When the doctor asked him if he recognized you, he turned his head like a puppy with a look of confusion. “Who are you and why are you in my room?”

Youngjae - He was in the practice room putting in extra hours for the solo performance he had during the next concert. For some reason he just couldn’t get a certain spin down. After what felt like the 50th attempt in a row his fatigue mixed with dizziness caused him to stumble, his vision blurry. Tripping over his own feet he fell and crashed into the mirror, his head colliding with the mirror —cracking it,—-  and the floor.

It was actually a janitor that found him well after midnight and got him rushed to the hospital. The cuts were superficial, but the injuries that most concerned the doctors were the ones not easily seen. Swelling in his brain from the impact required admittance the hospital long term as it was treated and doctors assessed how much damage was done. It was about a week later that the swelling had gone down and he was allowed visitors.

Rushing up to his room doctors warned you that there was some major lapses in his memory as a result of the swelling. Nothing could have prepared you for reality though. The moment you walked through the door he thought you were a nurse. You explained who you actually were and he just stared for a moment.

“Haha! Good one. Seriously though, who are you if not a nurse?”

BamBam - He was biking back from the gym when the car ran the red light. Two months later and he still hadn't awoken from the coma; his condition stable at least. You had basically moved into his hotel room, refusing to leave, as the only consistent person to aid his family in his medical decisions. It killed you knowing that it could be months longer before he woke, and even then there was the daunting possibility that he may be paralyzed or have extensive and re-repairable brain damage. Regardless, you couldn’t leave his side even if you wanted to.

Another month and finally he was waking up. The first few twitches of his fingers and you were holding your breath. Him turning his head and scrunching his eyes sent you running for the call button. As he finally opened his eyes the doctors and nursing staff flooded the room to start check ups and testing. It was hours before everything was settled and any new information was shared with you.

There was the possibility of him walking again as feeling and muscle reflex in his legs and arms were there though weak. It was going to take a lot of physical therapy. However, that was the extent of the good news. The brain damage was extensive. He would need to learn how to do most things all over again including using utensils and speech. The damage had left him with the same mental capacity as a toddler. As such they couldn’t very well determine what he did remember of his life. That was going to have to be discovered as time went on.

You were crying as you got back to his room and he just looked over at you like he should know you but couldn’t figure out who you were to save his life. You tried explaining who you were, what the two of you were, through your tears but that only seemed to make him even more confused. He was going to have to relearn everything about you again as well as somehow fall back in love with you. This was about to be harder than you ever imagined possible, but you knew he was worth it all.

Yugyeom - He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. The way it happened was such a cliche that when you found out you thought it was a practical joke. A sign actually fell due to improper installation as he was walking below. It didn’t fall directly on him but it did knock some bricks loose on the way down that did. It was a full two weeks before he came to as doctors had to keep him asleep while they treated the swelling to his brain.

The cuts and bruises were healing and the broken collarbone was well on it’s way. However, it was going to be a long time for the damage to his memory and motor function improved, if it even did at all. He could remember his parents and older brother just fine. He remembered the other Got7 members. However, his memory only went to as recently as February 2017; months before he ever met you.

You were the only one in the room full of his family and friends that he couldn’t remember. And he could very well never end up remembering you. The engagement ring you found in his sock drawer while packing a bag of his things for the hospital weighed on your very soul.

[xellshun]

DXM

So here’s a little something I like to talk about from time to time. For starters, I am a sociopath, if you don’t know what that is then look it up if you want because it’s a lot to explain. But let’s just say this means I’m incapable of feeling things like empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame.

So with the fact that I am emotionally and mentally colder than normal people, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel other negative feelings. With that being said I have gone through my fair share of drug and alcohol abuse and over the years there was one drug that just seemed to solve everything that my disorder couldn’t. For some, it’s meth, for others, it’s pain pills, and for some, it’s alcohol. I’ve tried basically everything, I’ve even tried drugs that don’t have names yet. But there was one drug that just stood out from the rest.

The drug has many names and terms associated with it - Tripple C’s, Robo Tripping, The Poor Man’s PCP, and so on... But for me, I stuck with the simple name - DXM.

Before I share my story I do NOT condone the use of this substance and will encourage anyone reading this to steer clear of it. The purpose of this is just to share my story.

I won’t ramble on about when my abuse started or why I began abusing it. This is more focused on the experience itself. SO! DXM stands for dextromethorphan. What is it? Easy, it’s cough medicine. Yeah, childish right? Well for me it didn’t matter and what makes this drug so dangerous is the fact that you can buy it anywhere without a script, it’s extremely cheap, it’s not illegal, and doesn’t show up in drug tests...

I won’t go about giving details about the unique routine I perfected over the years to get high off of this drug because I don’t want anyone reading this to copy it and end up fucking killing themselves or anyone else. Not that I give a shit but I won’t have that coming back on me. I will also not be mentioning dosage amounts, what brands I used, where exactly to get them, or how much this stuff costs. But what I will go into detail about is the high itself, what I felt, and what it was like. And if, for some reason, YOU decide to try this shit. Do it at your own risk. I used my own body as a test rat before I figured out exactly how to achieve my desired high without causing myself or others harm and I’m fucking LUCKY for that...

So let’s begin:

Stage one - The preparation dosage. I would always start out by eating a well balanced meal, making sure I had a means of getting fresh water, accessibility to a bathroom in case I got sick, a way of calling for help if needed, and I always made sure to seclude myself. I would then begin dosing up. Taking so many at a time on a strict schedule over the course of 30 minutes. After that I would wait for the first plateau of the high to take hold. The first stage is pretty mild. The first effects you’ll feel are a mild form of numbness throughout your body, your lips will begin to tingle, your vision will begin to become slightly blurred, and you’ll feel an overall sense of euphoric calmness. Once this stage was finished I would proceed with the next. But This stage was a must. Taking more than what my routine called for too quickly would cause me to get sick which would ruin the high. The goal of this stage was to push my body far enough under the influence that my stomach would then be unable to feel the fact that I was overdosing on a substance it would recognize as poison.

Stage two - The waves of calmness. Over the next hour or so I would slowly begin taking waves of this medicine in quantities that amount to half, equal to, or times 1 and 1/2 as much as the first dosage. How I felt as each wave kicked in would determine how much I would take on the next. This would be enough to take me to a level of intoxication between the second and third plateau of the high in a couple hours with the climax of the high hitting around hour 3. At this level I would feel a physical numbness in my skin equal to what you would feel on a high dose of pain pills. At this stage I would also experience my favorite part, the emotional and mental numbness. It wouldn’t matter how I was feeling before I would get high, it would feel as if every negative feeling inside my heart and mind would just slowly fade. Just imagine in. Imagine that no matter what discomfort you are feeling. This high will make it all go away, leaving you in a state of harmony... Along with that, this is the point where visual and auditory hallucinations begin to kick in. They were never anything scarry, nightmarish, or anything that would cause me to go out and randomly attack someone because I though they were lizard people. No, hallucinations are actually very timid and for me, amusing. I remember a time I was outside at 2am having a smoke, I looked off into the distant fields near the park and track just beyond my yard. And I remember seeing fireworks flying into the air just passed the tree line about 200 yards away. They didn’t look like normal fireworks and there was no sound. If you’ve ever watched the first Lord of The Rings movie where Gandalf is shooting off fireworks in the shire, it was similar to that, they looked like they were alive. A lot of my hallucinations were filled with lights that appeared without a source, they would dance and zip around the room like bugs and would even form the shapes of tiny people who would wave at me. Another common hallucination is what I like to call “sand people.” It’s where I would stare into space and right before my eyes, particles and clumps of colored sand would appear in front of me. They would move around slowly forming all kinds of shapes. If I wanted them to vanish I would just shake my head and let them reappear. So at this point, the high was overall very calming, there was no pain, no fear, no stress, no anxiety, no depression, no sadness... It was just pure... Peace... For each person I imagine the things you see and hear will be different, but these are just examples of the “pros” of the high for me.

Stage three - Beyond the safe zone. As you can probably guess, there is a fourth plateau. This level of the high is where it can become frightening and possibly even life threatening. BUT I’ve gone to and far beyond this level. There were only a handful of times where I considered calling an ambulence but never did. Not because I wanted to die, but because I was in such a messed up state of mind I just said “fuck it.” Anyways, so during these days where I decided to send my soul to a parallel universe I was, thankfully, alone because at this point the side effects become so intense that it’s impossible to hide the fact that you are CLEARLY fucked up on something. During the second and third plateau you’ll start to experience dificulties walking and talking, much like you would with alcohol but it is slightly different. Anyways, at and beyond the fourth plateau these side effects become very strong. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to slowly crawl to the bathroom because I couldn’t walk. Not only do you become very physically impaired but at this point you will begin to loose your grip on reality. The hallucinations will become so powerful that you will experience temporary fits of delirium and psychosis. Yes, I’m serious.. For me it was like having a messed up dream that made no sense but I was wide awake and watching it play before my eyes but I was also inside the dream outside my own body... This made everything very confusing and often times I would also go through moments where my brain would race so fast that I couldn’t focus on anything... Literally. I called this side effect “The Haze.” Things would only get worse too. Slowly I would start to feel my bodily functions just... Turn off... Like I was breathing and alive but only with the most basic functions. I called this stage “Zombie Mode” because it was pretty much a mode where the lights are on upstairs but no ones home. Ready for the frightening side effects? Yeah, haven’t got there yet... Imagine you get your body and mind so far under the influence of this drug that one of your eyes LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY shuts off temporarily. Yes, this is a very real side effect that I have witnessed, temporary fucking blindness... Oh, how about uncontrollable muscle spasms that are so random and strong that it literally feels like invisible people are grabbing you and shaking your limbs? Or how about if every time you try to move, your muscles are so disfunctional that it actually feels like you have dead meat inside of you, just sitting there, weighing you down. Not only this but the hallucinations can, at this point, become nightmarish. For me, I was so used to it that I always just closed my eyes, covered my ears and would tell myself “It’s just the drugs, it’s just the drugs, it’s not real, don’t freak out, just let it wear off!” And I can’t even begin to tell you how confused and delusional you become at this point. At this stage it becomes a battle of mind over matter. So unless your pretty fearless like me, this stage might cause real harm... So yeah, it kind of feels like your body is slowly shutting down and dieing underneath you without the pain or suffering. It’s a side effect called “Ego Death.” The only GOOD part about this stage is that the physical, emotional, and mental numbess are still present and very strong. So a lot of times I was still very unmoved by what was happening to my body. This is a level I do not like to go to because of the negative side effects. The small amount of times that I did reach this point was for one simple reason, I was just too high to know any better before hand and took too much too fast. Oh and guess what else? You can’t have sex on this drug. Men can’t achieve erections, women can’t get wet, and neither can reach orgasm. At least not without the help of other drugs. So don’t plan on fuckin’ while you trip out on this shit... And let’s not forget the come down!... It’s not that bad, haha. There’s no hangover waiting for you after the come down too. The come down is just very slow, you’ll feel your bodily functions start to turn back on, things will become more clear, the feeling in your skin will come back in the form of a tingling feeling, your inner organs will start to become warm (yes you can feel it). You’ll have waves of what feels like...(How do I describe this)... Ever seen the Poltergiest movies? I think it’s one of those... A scene where someone is pulled from the fucking ghost dimension from a portal covered in fucking slime? Yeah, kind of feels like that. I call it the “Rebirth” stage. And yes, you will sweat out layers of the drug. It will be a cold and abnormally thick sweat though... Hence the slime reference. BUT at the end of the road, no hang over, no headaches, no upset stomach, you just... Go back to normal. Often times I go into a deep sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling at 120%. So I guess you could say the come down could be both negative and positive? Depending on your opinion? For me the come down was very soothing so I never hated it..

So that’s just a glimpse into what I was going through for what was about 4 years. Those four years happening during the development of my disorder, ASPD, as well.

So why did I do it? Besides the fact that it was readily available, cheap, legal, and untraceable.... It was the mental and emotional numbness that I fell in love with... It’s not that the drug was bringing me any one type of feeling... It was the drug taking all my feelings away and allowing an overwhelming sense of peace and calmness over take me. It was my escape from reality. My way out. It was like mentally getting into a rocket ship and just blasting off into space on an adventure in my head. In fact, often times I would simply follow my own rules, get high, sit myself down in front of my TV and play video games. I would get immersed in the games and forget about the struggles of real life...

Oh and just another fair warning for you all. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT EVER mix this shit with ANY other substance, especially alcohol!! I promise you it will end badly, trust me, I would know...

So what the fuck does this have to do with my disorder and the fact that I’m a sociopath? It was just another way of completing myself. I already have a lack of many emotions due to my disorder, so for me, it was finishing myself off. Making myself completely void of any and all emotion.

Do I think this drug had any kind of effect on making my disorder worse?.. It’s possible. But their were many factors that caused my disorder to get worse over the course of the last 7 years since it started to develope. So it’s hard to tell.

Do I think this drug has caused any permanent damage to me in any way? That I’m not so sure about either. I’ve done my own research on this drug and there just isn’t alot of solid information on it because this isn’t a drug that is commonly brought up when you think of individuals suffering from substance abuse. It’s just not up there on the high ranks along side substances like opiates, stimulants, and alcohol.

So what kind of drug is DXM anyways? It’s what’s known as a dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen and is commonly compared to hard drugs such as PCP and Acid. Does this mean when you take cold medicine you could get high on accident? No. At proper dosages cold medicine acts as a cough supressent. You have to overdose greatly in order for it to act as a hallucinogen.

Am I still currently using this drug? Yes, but very rarely. I only use it when I know 100% I can do it safely, without being noticed, without hurting myself or anyone else. And since I am currently on probation with just one month left and also attending counseling... Well let’s just say I keep this shit strictly to myself and do it very secretly. The last thing I want is to end up back in jail. So don’t be concerned, you don’t have to worry about the possibility of a sociopathic guy running around town high off his ass in the middle of the night... Do I want to stop? Yeah of course. Relying on a fucking drug to feel “okay” kind of fucking sucks. Will I stop? I don’t know... Only time will tell...

So.. Is it addictive? Yes and no. Not in the same way that heroin and meth are. You won’t get withdrawal symptoms after coming off of it...

It’s more of an addiction to the “lack there of” when it comes to your emotions and mentality...

It doesn’t give you what you want, it takes away what you don’t want...

And for me, during my darkest hours of life, that is exactly what I crave...

[alarawriting]

Inktober #26: Dark

My name’s Mike London, and I hunt vampires, and that’s why I don’t love the darkness anymore.

Yeah, I know, I know. At this point you’re probably thinking “do we really have time to unpack all that?”, but the thing you’re getting hung up on is vampires, because vampires aren’t real. How could creatures who are technically dead survive only on blood, and if they were running around turning people into vampires every time they drank blood, why isn’t the world overrun with vampires? How could anyone function if they burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, why wouldn’t they show up on mirrors, does that mean they don’t show up on cameras, so on and so forth.

Okay, so most of the myths are wrong. You can see a vampire in a mirror… unless the vampire is positioned to see into your eyes, or their reflection. Vampires are stronger than humans but not by much – you know about that hysterical strength “mom lifts car off child” thing humans can do in extreme circumstances? They can do it all the time, because their bodies are constantly resetting to a perfect state based on what they were like at the moment of undeath, plus their self-image, with bodies that are perfectly healed except for anything that’s part of the self-image, like a scar that they’ve grown to identify with or a piercing. They’re faster than most humans, but they still have human muscles, so we’re talking Usain Bolt, not the Flash, or even a cheetah. They do burst into flames when exposed to strong ultraviolet light, a condition I can kind of sympathize with myself. And they aren’t created when a vampire drinks your blood, but when you drink a vampire’s, when your own blood levels are very low. As soon as a person has more vampiric blood than human blood in their system, boom, vampire.

They have only one really magical superpower, aside from the fact that they’re alive when they shouldn’t be, and it explains all the others that humans believe they have. If they can look into your eyes, and hold your gaze, they can control your mind. Make you think they’re invisible, make you think they just exploded into a hundred bats, make you compelled to do what they say.

It doesn’t work on me, because I’m an albino. And that’s why, despite the fact that all I ever wanted was to write programs, I am stuck hunting vampires as a side hustle. I’m still physically weaker and slower than they are, and while I see better in the dark than you do, I don’t see as well as they do. In light without UV components, such as standard indoor lighting, my vision’s more impaired than theirs, and a lot more than yours. But they can’t mesmerize me, and frankly, your average vampire has gotten so used to being able to mesmerize humans, it’s crippling for them to run into a human where it doesn’t work.

You probably haven’t got the vaguest idea why being an albino protects me. Maybe you have some notion that albinos have weird superpowers, since frankly in fiction we almost always do. You probably don’t know exactly how my disabilities work – in movies and TV, albinos never get to play albinos, it’s always white men in makeup.

Albinos have bad vision. Lack of pigment in the retina when we’re developing gives us vision problems that can’t be corrected with glasses. It’s like we have fewer pixels to see the world than you do, so everything’s going to be fuzzy no matter how strong the prescription lenses are. And a side effect of bad vision from birth is something called rhythmatic nystagmus, where our eyes go back and forth like an old DVD using pan-and-scan to show a movie on old-school near-square CRT televisions. (Old technology’s a hobby of mine.) I don’t have any conscious control or even awareness of it; I couldn’t stop my eyes from moving like that if I tried, short of closing them. My brain does post-processing on the moving image to make it look to me like my eyes aren’t moving, combining multiple snapshots from different angles into a single image. It means my ability to see a moving object is crap even if it’s close enough that I should be able to see it otherwise, but in theory it lets me see more detail than I would otherwise.

The thing is, there’s a reason the legends all have the vampires going “Look into my eyes”. They need to be able to make and sustain eye contact, the kind where you stare into each other’s eyes, and they can’t do that with eyes that are moving constantly. It’s not that I can’t see their eyes, because for me things don’t look like they’re going back and forth while my eyes move. It’s that they can’t look into mine.

I found this out the hard way last year. I was working at a big financial company, and I was behind schedule on the software I was building for them, and they had security rules that didn’t allow me to work from home. The boss used to say not to stay after hours, but I figured this was the kind of thing bosses say to make the company sound friendly and accommodating but is actually a control freak thing intended to benefit the morning people, which I have never been one of. I can’t drive – the state won’t give me a license, with my eyes – and I have chronic insomnia and equally chronic problems with waking up in the morning, making it impossible for me to rideshare with any of my co-workers. So I generally have an intermittently employed friend of mine who shares my apartment drive me places, and this means I’m usually late to work. If I can’t stay late and I can’t bring work home, I fall behind on my projects. Also, I do my best work late at night when there are no distractions. So I was in the habit of going to the bathroom with all of my stuff around 5:30 and then coming out at 6 after my boss had left. I could sit on the toilet with my laptop and continue to work, answering emails and setting Outlook to send them at 8 am in the morning the next day to make it look like I work normal hours, and then when I came out I could get back to the serious programming work, because my boss wasn’t a programmer and had no idea how to check the timestamps of my build check-ins.

It turned out it wasn’t corporate bullcrap after all. It was vampires. Vampires would come into the building to hold meetings on some kind of irregular schedule that meant something to them. I’d been working late for almost two weeks when they showed up, mesmerized my housemate and nearly ate both of us, and I had to kill a few of them with the combination of a steak knife from the kitchen and the cheap bamboo chopsticks I have a few hundred of in my drawer because I’m always getting Chinese takeout for lunch. See, you can’t actually stab a chopstick into a vampire’s heart – it’s too fragile – but stabbing with a regular knife only takes them out of commission for the two minutes or so it takes them to heal. But if you then stick a wooden chopstick in the wound, it prevents them from regenerating, and bamboo is apparently wood for vampire-killing purposes.

Also, I had a black light in my laptop bag, suitable for detecting whether my cats have peed on my laptop bag before I take it to work because they’ve done it so many times I’ve gotten desensitized to the smell of cat pee, and while I don’t like looking at UV light – my eyes have zero protection from it, so it’s painful – it’s a lot worse for vampires, whose skin will burn from very tiny amounts of UV exposure and can actually set on fire. And it’s just astonishing how often vampires will stand there trying to mesmerize you while you walk up to them and stab them in the heart, because they just can’t comprehend “human who cannot be mesmerized��.

And now that I know vampires exist and that I’m immune to their most powerful weapon… well, shit. I’m kind of stuck. I don’t actually know any other albinos, or anyone else with rhythmic nystagmus, and for normal people, wearing the kind of dark glasses that make it so the vampires can’t see your eyes will completely prevent you from seeing anything in the kind of darkness vampires like. I’m the only one I know who can do this. And they don’t kill humans constantly – they don’t need to – but they spread disease (they can’t get blood-borne illnesses but they can sure carry them) and they tend to pick on weaker humans to begin with, people who have less resistance to the bad effects of losing a lot of blood, because if chronically ill people seem sick and lethargic everyone assumes it’s their illness and not vampires attacking them. They’re like humanoid rats, in other words. If you had a well-behaved pet one who never harmed humans and only drank from volunteers, that one would be fine. But the rest of them are vermin.

Now, the best time to kill vampires is during the day, when they’re sleeping. Vampires know this. You are not going to find them when they’re sleeping, and if you did, you’d have to fight your way through their security guards, who are human, and do not know they’re protecting vampires, and really don’t deserve to have to deal with people trying to kill them. Also, being security guards, they are better at mayhem than I am; I’m an IT guy. So, lucky me, I have to go after them at night, when they have all the advantages except one: they expect to be able to mesmerize me, and they can’t.

Nighttime used to be my time. No bright sun glaring in my face and giving me a sunburn. Everyone around me having such poor vision from it being dark that my bad eyesight isn’t a disadvantage anymore, and when it’s dark enough, my eyesight gets better than theirs because my eyes collect every single photon that hits them, no filters. I’d walk around at night, or crank up my stereo and write code until 4 am.

But every time it’s dark, now, I know: they’re out there. They’re hunting. Feeding. And if I don’t track them down and get rid of them, people might die.

And that’s why I can’t love the darkness anymore.

[mimzy-writing-online]

My Experience Falling in Love while Going Blind

I’m writing an advice post about writing a blind character falling in love, and it’s is making me reflect on my last relationship and all the things I loved about it. I think this should be it’s own separate post, because my personal experience with dating while blind is unique.

While I was dating my last (only) girlfriend, I was experiencing the biggest about of life changes. Because of that, all my memories of adjusting to vision loss are intrinsically tied to all my memories of her. So a lot of this will be me sharing my experiences with vision loss too.

My last girlfriend is tied to a lot of my memories of struggle and acceptance. She helped me in ways I can’t explain with more than just my disability (accepting/understanding my gender for one, making me feel safe, listening to me always)

This is definitely not a guide for writing advice, which is most of what I do here. This is a meaningful, emotional experience that I’m willing to share with you. Please do not reblog.

I did say that most people with a disability would be hesitant to meet someone online. That’s true. I’ve tried it and there are real problems with it. I don’t put “oh and I’m blind” in my dating profile because I don’t want to be targeted by abusers or people with savior complexes. It’s also dangerous to be blind, people think they can get away with taking advantage of you. But I also struggle to tell people I’ve matched with and have been talking to that I’m blind. In fact it never gets put into conversation and I stop talking to them before an actual date happens.

But I did meet my last girlfriend online, on a dating app. The thing is, I met her before I began experiencing vision loss. 

Three years before she and I met in person, we met online. She and I talked quite a bit, we even got to the exchanging phone numbers stage, but we never met. The reasons for this is that we were both 19 and growing a lot as people (and still are growing to this day, even after breaking up). She and I stopped talking, drifting away. I got a best friend, dated him, and then broke up with him. Reasons. About five months after that relationship she texted me out of the blue.

I recognized her name instantly. When I put her number in my contacts, I put it in as “[her name] the cutie” because I genuinely thought she was the cutest person I’d ever seen. I remembered her, liking her. I replied, we talked for a while and decided to meet. On a date. She specified date. Not hang out. She was clear. I liked that.

We met in public, because that’s first-date 101. I was at a mall and I asked my parents to drive me and to wait at the nearby bookstore while I met her in a coffee shop. As someone who cannot drive (vision loss) and cannot easily navigate the world (vision loss, but no cane by this point) I wanted backup in case it went bad.

But it didn’t.

Conversation was amazing. I liked her right away. I thought she was funny and sweet. She listened. Conversation never died or turned awkward. I felt something special talking to her. 

The date involved coffee and then going to a movie. It was during the walking from the coffee shop to the movie theater that I let it slip that I don’t see well. Just don’t see well. No labels like visually impaired or blind. I just don’t see well. I mostly said that because it was an outdoor mall (and my vision is at it’s worst outside) and it was crowded and I was afraid that I’d accidentally walk into someone, or trip on something.

What day blind means is that in excessive lighting I see a lot less than I normally would. It’s like overexposed photos, the world turns to white. And for me personally, excess lighting is outside during the day. A cloudy day, a sunny day, it’s just too much light. So walking through this crowded mall in the daylight with sunglasses, all my upper vision is obscured/white and whatever is left is mostly shadows thanks to sunglasses. Also these sunglasses aren’t prescription, so I’m at the point that I can’t tell a trashcan from a person sitting still (true story).

She gave me her hand. The date went on. We visited a bookstore. We saw a movie. We got dinner. We saw another movie, a movie that means the world to me. That whole night is one of my favorite memories ever.

She was super cool about me wearing sunglasses at night, which at the time I was still intensely self conscious about, wondering what people would think about this random person always wearing sunglasses at night. But I needed them because bright outdoor lights cause me severe pain and cause migraines. I can’t look at car headlights or street lights, or any bright light. But she was understanding and I didn’t feel self conscious about it with her. I opened up more about my vision during that date and the two or three other dates that followed.

Nobody realized or accepted how bad my vision was until my accident

About two weeks after we started dating, I got in my first (only?) serious accident. By this point I was not considered visually impaired because I saw 20/50 with prescription glasses. The source of my vision issues wasn’t acuity, it’s that my eyes, optic nerves, and brain don’t know how to process light without pain and obscuring my vision. But the day blindness was life-impeding. I was terrified to walk outside by myself, but also too self conscious to ask anyone to be a sighted guide for me. Navigating my campus put me in danger of running into someone or something. (parked truck, trashcan, maintenance cart, stairs, signs, all things that happened or nearly happened) Anywhere that wasn’t familiar layout wise was terrifying to me.

I was at (another) outdoor mall and while walking through the parking lot I got stuck with the sun in my eyes. All my vision was blank. I was wearing sunglasses and still in pain. I thought I would stick close to my friend and listen to him, and I would make it to the curb (fifteen feet away) and be in the shadow of the building, and in that shadow I would see a little better.

The curb came before the shadow and I tripped, but I tripped while seeing nothing and it’s one of the scarier moments of my life. I couldn’t see where the ground was, but my knees and palms were burning with pain. I was crying behind my sunglasses. I still couldn’t see and my friend had to help me to my feet. We made it to the taco joint in the mall, met with another friend. Had lunch. They took me home. I went to my room and pealed off my leggings to see the damage to my throbbing knee. It was swollen, red, and bloody. The blood had dried to my leggings and pealing them away made it bleed again.

“This wouldn’t have happened if I had a cane,” I thought. “I’ve been trying to get one for two months but my mum keeps telling me to see doctors and get some kind of treatment, like I’m not struggling day to day while all that happens.”

First thing I did was walk to my mum and demand I get a cane before this happens to me again, and we ordered a cane right then and there. The second thing I did was text my girlfriend because I was still freaking out.

On our next date we talked about it, how afraid I am of walking around now after that accident (the cane took two weeks to get here, it was a LONG wait for me) She empathized with my fear and accepted that I was okay losing vision if I was allowed to do it on my own terms (get a cane, decide when and if I want to see doctors) and to not want a cure. For a while my mum had been pushing me to doctor after doctor (and there was never a diagnosis) and saying I should get LASIK eye surgury to improve some of my vision. Which I didn’t want.

I didn’t break anything during that accident, but I had a lot of pain and a small limp that first week, and the scar stayed for nearly a year.

My girlfriend accepted that I didn’t want a cure and I wanted to adjust to this life on my terms. She was my biggest supporter and listened to me, and only me, when it came to what I wanted/needed/could and could not do as a person with vision loss.

I think I told her I loved her within a month. I knew during the first date that I had the all too easy potential to fall in love with her. I don’t think I’ve had that feeling with more than one or two people in my life, knowing that if I let myself, I would fall in love. We made each other feel loved and cherished.

She was going through a few life changes herself, but I won’t go into that. I do know that I made her happy while we were dating, and that the support was not one-sided. We were there for each other.

There are a lot of memories I would love to share, but they’re more personal. The kind of personal I think no one deserves to know the whole of but me and her. There are moments and dates I can’t put to words no matter how talented a writer I am.

Why did we stop dating? It was because of my anxiety disorder. No, she didn’t break up with me because of it. I broke up with her because I’m an idiot. I pushed her away because I was a miserable, anxious mess who thought my anxiety would hurt her and that she was better off without me in her life. Which is terrible. Because at the same time I knew she loved me and would not want to break up with me, but I still thought it was better that I self destruct now instead of later. We broke up at six months. She kind of saw it coming, saw that I was unhappy (with myself, not her) and pushing her away.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her until three months later, and then I felt it all too deeply. This aching pain of missing her and knowing that it was too late weighing me down for the rest of the summer. That no matter how happy a moment, there was something missing and it was dragging me down just a little. I knew I was too late, knew I screwed up and I should accept it instead of trying to win her back. She deserves a stable relationship.

But loving her changed my life beyond just those six months. Knowing what it’s like to fall in love changed me as a person. It also partially inspired one of my other wips, titled: Why I Never Came Out, currently on hiatus as I work on A Witch’s Memory. 

Why I Never Came Out is about a boy named Spencer who never came out as gay to his family because his loving (also gay) father has living with congestive heart failure. Spencer also broke up with his first love and was working on moving on and coming out to his family.

I think loving her just taught me the art of being human. Loving her has taught me how to emotionally support others while still taking care of myself. Taught me more about what it means to be queer (I am pan, but she was my first girl relationship). 

I didn’t know this when it began, in fact I didn’t know this until a year after our break up, but my anxiety disorder was my mourning period. A mourning period refers to a when a person with a disability is mourning their previous way of life, before disability limited their independence and freedom. Depression and mental illness following a new disability/illness/relapse is incredibly common. For most people it’s depression, but for me it was anxiety. I was waiting two years for a depressive swing related to my blindness, but while working on A Witch’s Memory, which involves Ulric, my blind werewolf MC, and while working on some of Ulric’s character arc, I realized my anxiety disorder was my mourning period. It was my reaction to the changes in my life.

This is definitely not a guide for writing advice, which is most of what I do here. This is a meaningful, emotional experience that I’m willing to share with you. Again, please don’t reblog this. I’ll probably finish my guide to writing a blind character falling in love later tonight or tomorrow.

[geminimoonbeamx]

Naive: Part 1

A/N: I’m so freaking happy you guys seemed to like the intro, I wrote this and a few other “chapters” up in one night! Hopefully I can get you guys as hyped as I am for this story😭💛

Word Count: 3k+

Warnings: Just cursing in this chapter because I have the mouth of a sailor. The stirrings of sexual tension. The big stuffs coming next time though you guys I promise lol

Summary: As the goddaughter of Tony Stark you were no stranger to the Avengers, but when you meet the newest member- you’re a little more then intrigued. Unfortunately for him, Bucky Barnes has caught your eye.

💘💘💘💘💘

You and Pepper sit in the back of a sleek black Mercedes as it winds through the city, towards Manhattan and the Tower.

It had only been a few years since you’d been in New York but damn, had your forgotten how small this city made you feel. You stare out of the window, your eyes tilted up at many sky scrapers, the sun glaring through your oversized sunglasses as you look at the sky.

It reminds you of a canopy, the way the buildings seem to box you in. An urban jungle that smelled like human pee and chronic exhaustion.

“Are you excited for the internship?” Pepper asks you with a grin and you nod enthusiastically, biting your bottom lip.

What she was talking about was the internship you’d managed to score at the American Museum of Natural History.

“So fucking excited. I mean- I know they’re going to have me doing chump work. Since I only just got my bachelors degree, but the boost that it’s giving my career is insane. Like, I’ll be working on my graduates degree at the same time so I’m hoping if I can make a good impression they’ll refer me to the Smithsonian”

You cant help but babble, your mouth going a mile a minute.

School had always been important to you. It’d been drilled into you by your scientist of a mother, and your college professor of a grandmother that education was the most valuable thing in this world. You’d luckily inherited your moms bright nature, and had graduated high school as the Valedictorian…

Which always made you laugh because you’d ditched more then a third of your senior year to smoke pot with your friends in your car and had still managed to pass top of your class.

College was harder, just like you knew it was going to be. But you still goverened a high grade point average. Double majoring in Sociology and History and minoring in Art Forensics.

Because you’d known, ever since you’d watched Indiana Jones when you we’re six, that all you wanted to do was work in Museums. You wanted to be surrounded by ancient scrolls and mystical tombs. You wanted your life to be the adventure you’d mapped it out to be in your head.

Plus the ide of your fat ass swinging around on vines and running from giant rolling death balls made you smile.

“That’s a lot to have on your plate at once. But if anyone can do it, it’s you. But just know if you neglect your flower girl duties, you will be replaced” Pepper jokes and you giver her a “har har”

“You mean maid of honor duties” You verify.

“What? You cant be both? We also we’re thinking of having you be the ring bearer” You roll your eyes at the strawberry blonde who’s typing away at her blackberry. It’s such a familiar sight, a wave of nostalgia washes over you.

You’d spent a good chunk of your childhood looking up to her.

When the car pulls into the garage of what used to be Stark, but what was now Avengers tower you cant help but feel like you’re ten years olf again. Going to spend two weeks in the summertime with your “Tony Tino”

“So they should be out of their meeting in about twenty minutes, your bags are being brought to your room and the boxes got here a few days ago” Pepper confirms the plans to me as we make our way through the lush waiting room and into one of the many elevators.

“Okay, cool. I’ll just go start unpacking then-”

“Nope” She interjects and I shoot her a “why the hell not?” look.

“Tony said you should get something in your stomach. He know’s you never eat on planes” Pepper covers for herself quickly, not wanting you to see through her lie and ruin Tony’s surprise.

“Okay I guess. I’m not really hungry but you can show me the new kitchens. All he’s been talking about is how the upgrades we’re way cool” You seem to be tottaly oblivious wich makes her let out a metaphorical sigh of relief.

The kitchens are even more wicked then what Tony had told you and your eyes light up as you asses the huge room. The stainless steel and clean white walls making it look like something out of Star Trek.

“Hello Ms. Y/L/N” Fridays sing song robotic voice chimes from nowhere and you grin.

“Friday! How have you been?” You know she’s just a computer, just a hard drive, but you talk to her like she’s a real person.

Just like you used to do with Jarvis who, now, actually was a real person.

“I’ve been well, Ms. Y/L/N. Tony has missed you very much. He’s been very busy preparing for your stay. He’s instructed me to make sure you are fed because he knows you “barf” on airplanes. What can I have made for you? The chef’s specialty is French cusine”

You quirk your mouth at the word barf.

That was one time and you we’re fourteen. Would he ever let you forget it?

“Umm, just a bowl of fruit sounds good” You instruct her rolling your eyes at Pepper who insists you eat a more well rounded diet.

“Fine- and a yogurt”

You sit across Pepper, at one of the glass dining tables. You’d been hungrier then you’d realized and had eaten the entirety of the mixed fruit and yogurt happily. Your chatting about the NYU admissions when the door to the kitchens opens and people flooded in.

Those people being the Avengers- sans a couple members, but still, a decent(menacing) group. With Tony at the front.

The grin on his face is big- his eyes crinkling with crows feet as he approaches you, his arms dramatically open wide.

“Hey Tino!” You laugh as you hop down from the stool and walk over, giving him a tight squeeze. He wasn’t the tallest men, but was still much taller then you so you wrap your arms around his middle as he squeezes the life out of your head.

“Hey kiddo” He lets you go after a moment, putting a hand on your shoulder “How are you doing? Are you feeling better? Did you eat?” He looks you over as he speaks.

You look…different. Your hair is different, you’d cut at least a four or so inches off and it now sat just past your shoulders. It was lighter too.

“Yes god father, I ate. Chill out” You shake your head.

“You dyed your hair” It almost sounds like an accusation and you fight the urge to run your fingers through it self consciously.

Your hair had always reminded him so much of your moms…“It looks nice kid! Makes you look like you’re about thirty though”

“Don’t be mean to me!”

“I’m not- I’m not. I said it looks nice. Right Pepper, you heard that?” Tony looks to Pepper who’s still at the table, she just snorts at her fiancée.

“I think it brings out your eyes” Natasha pipes up as she comes up and gives you a short hug.

“Well thanks. At least someone here actually loves me. I missed you Nat, how have you been?”

And that’s how it goes, you making the rounds, reuniting with the people all around you.

Bruce blushes when you hug him tightly and ask him how things we’re hanging in the lab. Thor picks you up, as he always had, and told you how he missed his little lady. You think you hug Wanda the tightest. You’d kept in touch with her the most, you guys were close in age and you just clicked with her. You knew all about her little romance with Vision who you still had the urge to call Jarvis.

“You’ll always be Jarvis to me” You tell him. He, like Pepper, had watched you grow up.

Clint ruffles your hair in a way that makes you swat his hands away furiously. “How’ve you been, squirt?” Before Sam tells you you’d gotten a nice tan in Europe to which you cant help but bark a laugh at. “Okay creep” you punch his shoulder affectionately.

“Hey Steve” You beam at him reaching on the very tip of your toes to wrap him in a quick hug.

God, he’s still hot.

You’d had a thing for him back a few years ago. He was going through a rough patch and needed a friend and you had this inviting way about you that he’d melted into. It never got serious- you hadn’t even really kissed the guy but you’d been close.

You thought it would have been weirder seeing him again. Especially after the whole scene Tony had caused between the both of you but it wasn’t.

He still looked something akin to sunshine. His aura bright and golden.

And he was standing next to someone you’d never met- in person. But you knew exactly who the guy was.

You we’re a history major for fucks sake. Of course you knew who James Buchannan Barnes was.

“How’ve you been, Y/N? It’s been a while” Steve grins down at you.

“It really has, stranger. Thanks for keeping in contact. You know, I didn’t teach you how to properly text for nothing" You shoot at him, with no malice but it makes him shift uncomfortably on his feet.

“Yeah- I’m sorry. I should have checked in more it’s just been really hectic-” You watch him with a satisfied leer. You’d always loved making him squirm, and he just made it all too easy.

“You’re fine Steve” You wave him off “I get it. You’re still all technologically impaired. Guess I’m just not important enough for you”

You use that tone- the one that had always got him so worked up and he just puffs out a breath, shaking his head.

“That’s not- your messing with me” He catches on and you giggle and roll your eyes.

Oh, your sweet 40’s child.

“Always” You inform him before turning your attention to the man you hadn’t been formally introduced to yet and giving him a smile. That smile.

Bucky can see why you we’re known for being a flirt.

He’d just watched you work a room full of people, watched the way that the team reacted to your warmth. The way you seemed to have your own unique bond with everyone and he couldn’t lie- it was intriguing.

You’re pretty- in a way that he didn’t see a lot. Yeah, your bigger then he’d been expecting; all hips and thighs and a large bussom but there’s something eye catching about you. Maybe it’s the way your eyes are lined with sharp cat eye liner or the way your eyebrows arch. It reminds him of home, of the women that he’d grown up around.

“Hi, I’m Y/N” You hold your hand out to his. Your eyes are sparking with curiosity as he reaches down to take it.

“I’m-” He starts and you cut him off, your playful nature coming out.

“ Sargent James Buchannan Barnes? I’ve been learning about you since like kindergarten!”

“That so? You can call me Bucky” he drawls out.

“Bucky. It’s really nice to meet you. Any friend of Splangles here is a friend of mine. I mean unless you’re as boring as he is”

You really we’re a charmer. And he thought he’d been charming back in the day. You could run circles around him.

He can’t help the smooth chuckle that leaves his throat as Steve protests with an half offended “hey!”

“I’m just kidding, Steve. You know I love you!” You pinch his cheek, your nose scrunching before turning away from them and back to Tony.

Not before telling Bucky you were “Excited to pick his brain sometime”

Bucky’s gaze is focused on your retreating figure. He feels a little…dizzy. The way you feel when you get off a ride at Luna Park.

He doesn’t think he’s felt like this anytime this decade.

Steve shoots him a knowing look.

The Y/N effect.

“Told ya’ jerk” Steve pushes Bucky’s shoulder in a friendly manner as he passes him and Bucky shakes him, and the weird head high off with a quick “Punk”.

Tony hasn’t stopped talking since that first moment you’d been reunited and you hang onto every word. You’d always loved this about him; that he’d talk to you. And like, really conversation. Not just treat you like your were some dumb kid who couldn’t keep up.

You end up leaving the rest of the “Scooby gang” and you follow him to where you’re assuming is his office.

“Okay but how are they going to try and pass Government restrictions on you? It doesn’t make any sense? If they had half a brain they’d label you an international task force- but I mean then you’d have to deal with the UN more I guess. And aren’t they still super salty about the accords?…”

Tony’s over being impressed with the way your brain works. He’s been over it since you were eight and you’d called your teacher a facist.

“Super salty” Tony affirms with a sigh “But at least we have SHEILD backing us now. And there’s some new members. Oh yeah and Thors phycotic brother promised he won’t try to invade earth anymore”

You snort “Well that’s a relief I guess. He’s finally getting his younger sibling syndrome in check”

“I think Bruce scarred him for life”

“Good. He needed it. Where’s Rhodey? I noticed that he wasn’t down stairs” you ask the question that been bugging you.

“Oh yeah. He had a physical therapy appointment but he’ll be gracing us with his presence for dinner”

“How’s he doing?”

“You know Rhodey. He’s kicking PTs ass. He should be able to get back in the suit in a few months”

That makes you happy. Like genuinely so happy and relieved because you loved the shit out of Rohdey and you’d been really worried about him after the…accident.

“Yeah. He’s such a bad ass- uh hey Tino, where are we going? I thought your office was on the 47th floor?” You watch as the light around the 15 lights up, announcing your stop.

“I thought we’d make a detour. So I know you wanted to get your own apartment- but rent in the city is outrageous and you decided to humor your dear old god dad… So I improvised” Tony explains and your whole face is twisted up in confusion because what is he even talking about?

“What?” You hiss as the elevator doors ding open.

The room that’s revealed has your jaw dropping and harsh gasp ripping itself from your throat.

“Think of it as a graduation present” Tony’s happy- your reaction is just what he’d wanted.

You looked childlike as you took in the space. There were large, floor length windows that lined the furthest wall- the natural lighting was something out of a dream. The couches were plush and charcoal colored, an array of throw pillows lining them. There were white furry rugs and marble accents and gold lining to everything. The color scheme you were obsessed with.

“Tony oh my god! I love it!” You squeak. How had he gotten your tastes so well? “This is why pepper started following all my Pinterest boards huh?”

“We wanted it to feel like your own place. There’s a bed room and a bathroom back down that hall”

You turn to him, your bottom lip jutting out.

“Don’t cry!” He protests and you sniffle dramatically.

“I just- I can’t believe you had the time to do all of this. Thank you so so so so much, Tino. I love it. Best graduation gift ever”

He’d always spoiled you, a fact that you weren’t ignorant to but this… It almost felt like too much.

“I’m just happy you’re staying here. I think NYU and the internship will be really good for you. And Pepper needs someone to talk wedding plans with cause she’s staring to make my ears bleed with that shit-”

“And you want to keep an eye on me while I withdrawal?” You guess, saying what he hadn’t.

The atmosphere in the room seems to suddenly shift.

He chomps his teeth together with an audible snap and nods.

“We don’t know the entirety of side effects from coming off that drug so yes. I want you here while you do it. Even though I still don’t think it’s the best idea” Tony uses that parental voice you hate on you and you sigh and walk over to one of the Windows. Staring down bustling streets below you.

“I know, I don’t know if it’s the best idea either but somethings gotta’ give. I’m willing to try anything at this point…I don’t want to feel like this anymore” you whisper the last part.

Tony watches you, his arms folded over his chest as he deflates.

“Okay- just like I told you over the phone we’ll try it. Ween you off slowly. But if it gets too intense we’re starting them back up again”

I’m not gonna lose you too, is what he doesn’t say.

No matter how bad the idea of it scares you, you know it’s the best route. The only one you’ve got left.

—–

Dun dun dunnnnn. Y/N’s on drugs say what?! Trust me, it’s not what your thinking. Unless you’s a mind reader- then it’s exactly what your thinking. I’m thinking? We’re thinking?😂

Ps. My laptops acting super wonky so the tags should be up later! I promise I’ve got you guys lol! And continue to ask if you want to be tagged in upcoming parts.

https://xgminigypsy.tumblr.com/post/166595772104/naive-part-2 PART TWO

https://xgminigypsy.tumblr.com/post/166629591854/naive-part-3 PART THREE

https://xgminigypsy.tumblr.com/post/166664664834/naive-part-4 PART FOUR

https://xgminigypsy.tumblr.com/post/166703266654/naive-part-5 PART FIVE

[jinjikook]

36″ x 48″ (M)

word count: 3.6k

genre: smut; idol!verse

pairing: reader/taehyung

warning(s)/kink(s): intercrural sex (thigh fucking) + dirty talk + come play + size kink (?)

a/n: the title is a joke about canvas size, that of which is a large size for one lmao

masterlist

You always thought it’d be Namjoon, maybe Yoongi. Possibly even the golden maknae, Jeongguk.

You never expected it to be Kim Taehyung. Your boyfriend, to be exact.

“Are you kidding me? That’s supposed to fit in me?!” You stared incredulously at your boyfriend, stark naked and almost completely hard under your gaze.

Despite the fact that you two have been dating for a little over a couple of months, you never had time to get intimate. At least, not properly. Phone calls and video chats were your best friends, being the most stable source of both communication and intimacy you two could manage under Taehyung’s hectic idol life.

That being said, you never really knew just how big his not-so-little friend downstairs was. Pictures were unreliable, since dick pics are always angled to make the person look more endowed, though you sort of wonder why you never made the connection based on how small it made his hands look in comparison. Clearly your mind was on other aspects of the photo.

Taehyung scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, as if he wasn't as bare as the day he’d been born at the moment. “I know babe, it’s intimidating…”

“Damn right it is! You’ll tear me in half! You’ll break me! You’ll—”

“We don't have to, if you don’t want.”

You stopped freaking out for a moment, realizing that you were acting pretty selfish and childish. After all, Taehyung’s feelings matter just as much as your own, he should be able to voice them without you going all diva on him.

“No Tae… I’m sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that, it’s just—I’m scared. I always pictured us finally getting to this point but I clearly didn't think about this part very well.”

Taehyung chuckled and his warm palm made contact with your thigh, rubbing gently there to remind you of how human he truly is. He's not just some celebrity on the TV or another idol on the radio, he’s much more to you than that.

“Baby, really. It’s alright, maybe one day we can try but it doesn't have to be today. We’d have to plan a field day to prep you, though that sounds like a good time to me.” He wiggled his eyebrows and you giggled, giving him a playful smack as you straightened up and sat against the headboard of his bed. “Trust me, even toys have trouble fitting me. I just really want you to enjoy it as much as I definitely will and the last thing I want is to hurt you.”

Taehyung’s deep brown eyes softened as he looked over your visage, his palm coming up from your thigh to stroke lovingly at your cheek. His thumb paused at the swell of your bottom lip, lightly applying pressure there.

“Do you want…?” You murmured against his digit, swiping your tongue over it after you spoke. Taehyung’s eyes visibly darkened and his breath caught in his throat, a low rumble appearing as he nodded slowly.

You took the message loud and clear, sitting forward and dragging Taehyung into a deep kiss, the feeling of his lips on yours making you whimper. You were only clad in your underwear and bra, something quickly remedied as Taehyung undressed you hastily; his hands running hotter than before.

Peppering kisses down his jawline, you focused on how his Adam’s apple bobbed with every kiss, reaching forward to suckle lightly there.

Taehyung groaned, his hand a warning on your shoulder as he pushed gently, “No marks…” he mumbled, his voice clearly showing how affected he was from all the foreplay. You nodded to show you’d heard as you continued down until you reached his chest, slightly defined pecs tensing as your tongue trailed in between. Taking a moment, you toyed with his nipple on the right while your mouth began to latch onto his left, suckling lightly and passing your tongue several times over the hardening nub. He whined, low in his throat, as you placed his teat between your front teeth and tugged, the unmistakable pulse of Taehyung’s hips making you giggle around him.

“Please, I need you baby,” Taehyung’s low voice made you throb with want as well, but you knew this situation wasn’t typical so you had to put aside your needs for that of your loving boyfriend. Trailing kisses down from his chest, you put a little more pressure right under his navel; on the tummy you constantly told him you loved.

He hissed as you neared his now achingly hard cock, the tip oozing with slick as it jerked with newfound blood flow. Still kissing his stomach, you wrap your hand around his girth, trying your best to hold it all in your grip.

A difficult feat indeed.

“You know,” Taehyung began to speak, breathless but still capable of running his mouth, even now of all times. “Most guys would kill for a big dick, always wanting more or saying they have something like this. But it’s really a burden; to have to give up even the simple pleasure of fucking someone like normal.” You hummed as you brought your mouth to lick a fat stripe underneath Taehyung’s length, the muscle twitching as your wet muscle came into contact with the hot skin. Hips jerking forward slightly, you used your other hand to keep him still as he continued to talk.

His voice came out more strained than before, clearly affected by your ministrations. “Most guys can just finger their girl for a little bit, one or two digits and they’re ready to go. Or like in movies, where they just… dive in; unprepared. I'll never know that simple luxury, to want you so bad to the point where we have a quickie in the bathroom.” Kissing up and down his cock, you look up and see Taehyung looking down at you, a mixture of love and lust swimming in his burnt irises as he ran his hands through your hair.

“One day Tae, I promise.” You whispered against his length, pumping it a few times and running the pads of your fingers over the beads of pre come trickling out. He cutely smiled his boxy grin and took one of his hands that was in your hair to hold out his fist, pinkie finger extended.

“Pinky swear?” He giggled and you couldn’t help yourself from laughing with him, loving just how silly and quirky and sentimental your wonderful boyfriend was. Lacing your pinkies together, you smiled once more before focusing on loosening your jaw as you took the leaking head into your mouth. Taehyung’s head rolled back, from what you saw from your slightly impaired vision.

He groaned, low in his throat, as you began suckling around the head, the swollen member already taking up a serious amount of room in your mouth. You tried to relax your jaw as you dipped further in, pulling out just a moment later to catch your breath.

No amount of blowjobs in your past life would’ve prepared you for this moment. Steeling yourself, you swooped in for a second time, licking your lips in anticipation for how much saliva you’ll actually need to properly coat Taehyung’s cock.

As you took in more of his length, you continued to languidly pump at what you were sure you couldn’t even dream of reaching, Taehyung’s hands constantly keeping your hair out of your eyes and face.

“God, angel do you have any idea what you do to me?” You moaned around his length, his habit of dirty talk coming around just to make you suffer a little more. You clenched your thighs and hoped he wouldn’t notice. “Dear, open up those pretty legs for me. I wanna see just how wet you get for me.”

Of course you wouldn’t catch a break; this was Taehyung after all.

Obeying his command, you pull off him to look up and find his eyes dead set on you, his bottom lip snug in between his teeth. He released the pink muscle and gripped your chin, making sure you were giving him your full attention.

“As much as I’d love to fuck that pretty throat of yours raw, I unfortunately can’t do that. So, do me a favor?” He rubs his thumb lovingly over your now plumper bottom lip, a very similar fashion to how he had done beforehand; when he enticed you to suck him off initially.

“Anything.” Your voice was surprisingly stable, though albeit a little dry from the lack of spit since you had slathered it all on his cock instead.

“On your back, legs straight up.” Taehyung’s commanding tone made you even wetter as you spared no time in getting in the position he wanted you in.

He praised you for your speed, placing a few strategic kisses of his own along your thighs, his breath whispering across where you needed him most.

Bur instead of drawing nearer, he kneeled on the bed right behind your legs, taking both of them and putting them on one shoulder. You watched confused as he settled, before he pushed his hand in between your loins and you felt the barest brush of his digits in between your folds.

You whimpered at the ghost sensation, Taehyung chuckling lowly at your instant response.

“Eager, aren’t we?” He rasped, his voice a smooth velvet against your body as he kissed the back of your calf. You couldn’t help the whimper that escaped your lips, wanting more than the teasing and tantalizing faint touches that barely gave you the tingles of pleasure you so desperately wanted. “I’ll take care of you baby, just you wait.” He chuckled and for a moment it felt like he was predator and you were prey. But this was your boyfriend, whom you cared for so much, and you knew he wouldn’t hurt a hair on your head.

Not unless you wanted it.

His digits finally reached where you needed him most, his fingers stroking your glistening folds. Throwing your head back against the plush pillows underneath, you moaned while he continued to apply pressure against your core. He dove his fingers inside you, two making their way past your tight walls to stretch you.

“Tae, baby, what’re you doing?” You gasped out, struggling to keep your voice steady as his fingers grazed the nerves inside you. He continued to pump inside and out, thumb pushing against your clit to drive you mad.

“Don’t worry my dear, I’m just giving you a little something since I can’t actually give you myself.” His eyes dropped from your own to stare at his own fingers disappearing inside you, his lip snug between his teeth once more as he tried to stave himself off. When he touched a particularly sensitive spot, you jerked and arched your back, unable to keep from keening from pleasure. “Fuck—baby you look so good, that’s my girl.” He curled his fingers and made you squirm even more, now endlessly barraging you with his skilled digits.

“I just need to… just trust me, okay baby?” He rasped, his breath coming out far more labored now as his eyes trailed lower, fixed on himself now as he pulled his fingers from inside you. You watched, confused and frustrated at the lack of contact now that Taehyung had stopped his fingers from fucking you just right. Eyebrows furrowed, you were about to open you mouth to protest when suddenly Taehyung’s length brushed the insides of your thighs, the head gently grazing over your core.

You tried to stop the pulse of your hips but instinct took over at the idea of his cock so close to where you needed him the most, your desires clouding your logic even after you saw what a monster he was packing.

“Baby, no no no—that’s not what we’re doing, you know that.” Taehyung chuckled, loving just how eager you were but he knew he had to stay well in control, lest he wanted to hurt you. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he took both of your legs that were thrown over one shoulder and brought them as close together as possible, crushing his cock flush between the meat of your thighs. He was snug there, the throbbing heat of his member just barely ghosting over your own desire.

“Just gonna stay here, don’t worry.” He mumbled, your heart nearly drowning him out completely as it pounded in your ears. You didn’t realize when it began to beat so intensely but you think it’s because your mind knew better and worried about Taehyung potentially going to enter you with minimal prep in terms of his size.

Lost in your own world for a few moments, you hadn’t noticed that Taehyung uncapped the lube he brought onto the bed when he showed off his size, knowing he’d need it for something—sooner or later.

He slathered the head of his cock with the slick, a few experimental pumps of his hips had the fluid spreading and slipping between your thighs, successfully giving him a path to glide effortlessly through over and over again. Taehyung growled at the sweet pressure of your thighs around him coupled with the delicious slippery skin that let him fuck your thighs without abandon.

Leaning forward on his palms, he framed your face and kept your legs on his shoulder, leading you to be bent in half from his position. You had said he’d break you in half, though this wasn’t exactly how you’d pictured it. His breaths were puffing over your face and against your cheek, the hot air reminding you just how close your faces were and how easy it’d be to drag your mouth over his and greedily suck at his sinful tongue.

His mouth had a mind of it’s own whenever he was close to coming. You’d heard it plenty of times whenever you’d sneak in a quick session of hurried phone sex, hushed filthy whispers and moans in the dead of night or in broadcast station restrooms.

“Shit yeah, that’s my fucking girl—you feel so good, haven’t felt anything this hot and tight around my cock in ages. So wet for me baby girl, such a good girl for me always. Letting me fuck your thighs just right, would you let me have a taste of you afterwards?” You nodded fervently, unable to formulate words as you bit your tongue as hard as you could, knowing that the members could be back any minute now from whatever restaurant Tae had ushered them off to so you could have a night with him. He chuckled, his grin something nasty as he pictured how good you’re going to look with his head between your legs, right where his cock was right now.

His thrust were rough, hard enough to smack every time his hips came in contact with the backs of your thighs. It was filthy and loud and you couldn’t hold back your noises of pleasure any longer, just the depraved thought of Tae fucking your thighs senseless alone able to bring you closer to your high. He brought one hand down from framing your face to grace along your clit, making you whimper high at the sudden contact. You needed more, trying to convey that with the garbled speak you managed with your pleasure swollen tongue.

“Shhhh, I’ve got you baby girl.” Taehyung’s sweet baritone floated to your ears before he straightened up, putting distance between your faces as he grabbed your legs and fucked with all of his energy into the gap that was tightening around his head with every taught quiver that coursed through your body. He groaned and the lascivious squelch of lube as he pushed your thighs tighter around him only spurred him on more, his hips moving erratically as Taehyung began to lose rhythm. “Baby—Fuck, I’m gonna come. Where can I…?” He trailed off, his panting growing louder as he slowed his hips to roll languidly into the heat between your legs.

“On me, please.” You were breathless, almost completely incapable of voicing your desires at this point but it was audible enough to your boyfriend, his small nod acknowledging that he’d heard and he was planning on pulling through with that plan of action very soon.

Pulling out from between your thighs, Taehyung pushed apart your legs to open up your torso to him, giving him full access and a blank canvas to release on. He came in spurts, the thick, heavy cream landing over your navel and just shy of the top of your core. Globs coated your stomach, a picture of naughty and filthy and everything in between. Taehyung was clearly very proud of his work, smiling his dirty smirk once more before dragging the tip of his cock over the mess, smearing it over you to complete his masterpiece. Almost like a signature, marking you as his for a final touch.

“So perfect, all mine…” Taehyung’s eyes dragged over his work, his fingertips ghosting over your come-stained abdomen. “Now it’s your turn, doll.” His wicked smirk was back, toying on his lips as he placed his hands on your thighs—right where his cock was nestled in before, slick and shiny with lube still and making his grip halfway decent. You couldn’t catch your breath because there Taehyung was, his smug mouth over your core and his teasing tongue trailing topiaries against your folds.

You gasped audibly when his lips suctioned around your clit, sucking the engorged muscle and jabbing it punishingly with his tongue—the same tongue you’d seen countless times poking out of his mouth on stage, either out of focus or simply him trying to rile up his many fans out in the audience.

His groans were loud against you, sans a little muffled but loud nonetheless. He was treating like eating you out was just as good as him getting his own dick sucked, the greatest pleasure all right in front of him as he ate you with all of his might. You knew your end was coming, having been so riled up from seeing your boyfriend so deep in pleasure earlier.

He’d been like that because of you, not even your dripping sex, just your thighs. You couldn’t help but imagine what he’ll be like when he actually does get to delve deep inside you, raw and unadulterated as he plunges into your divine and comes back only to slam into you twice as hard.

The thought alone had you coming—hard.

It hit you like a freight train; all at once and out of nowhere, as you gripped at Taehyung’s locks and hoped that you weren’t hurting him or accidentally ruining his perfectly tousled mane, something that you’re sure his fans or make up artists wouldn’t appreciate. Taehyung on the other hand, was clearly very appreciative of the rough treatment, his tongue pushing into further with the motion and his mouth vibrating against you as a hummed growl pushed past the seam.

Quickly, it became all too much. His tongue was stabbing you more than anything else, and you cried out from the overstimulation. Luckily, Tae had caught on relatively fast and let go of your swollen clit, sure to give it a quick peck before settling onto his knees. He looked over at your wrecked body, loose limbed with pleasure and you two matched in breathless pants that created a soundtrack of your sex in the otherwise silent room.

Flopping down next to you and giving you a wet kiss on the cheek, Taehyung turned his body to face your still numb one and stroked lovingly down your side, waiting for you to come back to your senses and back to him.

“Good?” He murmured, leaning forward and peppering a few more kisses along your face, licking the tip of your nose for good measure much like a puppy would. The final pass of his tongue made you titter and bat his face away, a fit of giggles trying to fight their way out.

“Ew gross, don’t lick me you weirdo!” The giggles made it out anyways, unable to be held back from the sheer strength they fought their way out with. Taehyung mock pouted, a small puppy whimper on the tip of his tongue.

“Baby don’t be like that… I just had that inside of you and now you don’t want it on you?”

“That’s why, you butt.”

“Cute.” He leaned forward to give you a proper kiss anyways, tongues brushing against each other briefly despite your earlier distaste to where his tongue had been beforehand. A few more breathless laughs passed between the two of you, the air light and bubbly around you even after the tense sex tension from before.

As he pulled away, you finally came to your sense and realized the mess still on your stomach, now slightly drying as you squirmed. “Fuck Tae, look at how much you came… Such a mess.” You inspected the damage, asking for your boyfriend to get you tissues or wipes or something to clean yourself off with.

“But babe, it’s my one-of-a-kind masterpiece, on my one-of-a-kind canvas.” He looked at you with galaxies in his eyes, love swimming among the stars as if he wasn’t actually talking about semen on your sweaty abdomen.

“Guess you’ll just have to make another one, tomorrow night.” You smirked and Taehyung giggled, getting up to fetch you some wet wipes. Once you two were all cleaned up and snuggled in bed, lights dark and atmosphere waning, Taehyung’s voice rang out in the darkness following a tittering giggle; cutting through the muffled sounds of traffic and night life outside.

“Just like Vincent Van Gogh Sunbaenim.”

You smacked him for good measure, before kissing it better.

[theramseyloft]

I'm reading responses to your old(ish) post about you referring to Ankhou as a Service pigeon, and not simply an ESA. A lot of people got their feathers all ruffled over this, some claiming that ALL birds are unhygienic, unable to be trained, loud, skittish, and overall horrible candidates for service animals. As a pigeon expert, do you believe these are significant concerns? And would bird fancier's lung pose serious concern if pigeons did act as service animals in public?

I had to change the language used to refer to him because Service Animal is a legal distinction when it comes to the public access allowed.

In Ga, only dogs can be legally considered service animals, and even then, only for the blind, deaf, and mobility impaired. 

Medical Alert dogs? Not allowed public access in GA as a Service Animal. Those people hafta stay home or have human company. 

MOST hotels in this state will deny access to people who need service dogs and nobody gives enough of a shit to enforce what access laws we actually have.

Ankhou is more correctly referred to as my Assistance Animal, by the fair housing act definition, so that is what I call him, instead of my Service Bird. (In FL, pretty much any species can legally be called a service animal, but that is not where I live.)

He is my stress level alert bird, and keeps me from going into overwhelmed shut down. But he has recently also become my medical alarm. (I take my assorted meds on a schedule, and he gets my attention and leads me to them when I have lost track of time.)

Ankhou trained himself to both tasks because my shut down state freaks him out and he likes keeping me and Mike on schedule. 

This is one of those cases where Bird automatically means Parrot, unless disease is involved, in which case THEN it means pigeon!

That accusation that all birds are loud, for example. Have you ever heard a pigeon? That low, gurgling coo isn’t gonna hurt any ones ears or startle them out of their skin.

While it’s true that not every pigeon has the temperament to be calm and unafraid in public, neither does every dog. 

Puppies bred specifically for Service still have to go through several evaluations and tons of training before they can be considered Service Dogs, and not every puppy will pass.

While it is true that most birds are reactionary, startle very hard, and stress very easily, the birds most people consider to be pets are still wild animals. 

Pigeons are NOT.

Pigeons are just as domesticated as dogs and are inherently comfortable around people. A pigeon with the right temperament could easily learn to be just as nonreactive as a well trained service dog.

There are things a dog can do that a pigeon could not. 

They are not large enough to lift or carry or aid with mobility. 

While their vision is excellent, they are just not big enough to help some one who is visually impaired maneuver.

Where pigeons would really shine is in the areas of mental health. They are fantastic anxiety birds that are VERY good at reading their handlers and knowing when to just comfort and when to demand their handler find some place quiet and settle.

They are VERY naturally inclined to recognize shut down and panic states and a pidge bonded to its handler will be motivated to help settle them back out of it.

There are certain legitimate concerns preventing pigeons from becoming Service Animals with full public access, but they are more for the safety of the bird than people. 

Dogs have vaccines for pretty much every dangerous illness they could come across from other dogs. 

Pigeons HAD vaccines for PMV, Avian Pox, and Salmonella, but that was it and those aren’t the only dangerous things they could pick up. 

Now that it is illegal to medicate ones own birds, the places in the US that made and regulated those vaccines have been shut down and they have been made illegal to import.

Pigeons have been left entirely unprotected.

The diseases they can give humans, like Salmonella, can be tested for pretty easily, treated quickly, and entirely prevented for an indoor pet.

People complaining about pigeons spreading pigeon lung don’t actually know what bird fancier’s lung is or is caused by.

The quicker onset of bird fanciers lung is caused by inhaling the spores of a fungus that grows well in pigeon feces. Buuut, it takes three days to build up enough poo to provide the right culture environment, and two more days for the fungus to produce fruiting bodies. That means that the enclosure has to go uncleaned for a total of 5 days in order to be exposed.

It’s revoltingly common for pigeon lofts to be cleaned all of EIGHT TIMES A FUCKING YEAR!!! 

But who the hell is gonna let a house pet’s cage get THAT level of nasty? 

If you only have one bird, it takes 3-5 minutes to clean, wipe, and vacuum around the enclosure, and most people do that daily.

The other onset of Bird Fancier’s lung is a cumulative effect of dust building up a coating on the inside of the lungs.

Do you know how many YEARS that takes? Of CONSTANTLY breathing in CLOUDS of feather dander?

If you have an instant reaction to a bird, it is not bird fanciers lung. That’s asthma or an allergy to the dander. Both of which are legitimate public safety concerns, especially in confined spaces and on hospital or other medical care grounds.

You can lessen the dander for a day’s outing by letting the bird take a bath first, but especially in the case of pigeons, preening the chest feathers will make more.

What people are referring to as hygene, though, is almost entirely an issue of poop, and believe it or not, pigeons *can* be safely potty trained.

Ankhou alerts me when he has to poo by getting down off my shoulder, onto my hand and leaning like he wants to jump down.That is my cue to take him outside, find the bathroom, or open a tissue for him to use, depending on what’s closest.

Outside is pretty self explanatory.

If the bathroom is closest, I hold him over a running sink or open trash can.

In the middle of a large store, I pull a tissue out of my purse and open it for him. He goes on it, and then I fold it up, tuck it into the used tissue ziplock bag in my purse, apply a drop of hand sanitizer, and we’re done. Sanitary, discreet, and quiet.

Any pigeon could be trained to do that, no diaper needed.

People *REALLY* had to fight tooth and nail to get service dogs accepted by the general public, and in places like Ga, they are STILL having to fight tooth and nail for the laws on the fucking books to actually be enforced.

People who need their dogs to get around or even live are STILL barred from hotels, restaurants, and as many public places as think they can get away with it.

So after all that work and all the bullshit they STILL deal with, it’s entirely understandable that other, less thoroughly tested species, potentially getting public access and fucking it up the way some people’s ESAs or pets they’ve lied about have for them would worry them enough to push back.

They don’t want to make other people’s lives harder or gate keep service animals.

But people’s poorly trained ESAs and pets have made hotel, store, and restaurant owners and managers less friendly and in some cases outright hostile towards service animals in general, which is fucking dangerous to the people that physically need them!

While I firmly believe that pets should be able to go where ever their people go, it should be just as important to be sure those pets are safe, comfortable, and well behaved in public.

None of us live in a bubble. Things we do effect other people, and the more aware and respectful we are of that, the easier we make life for all parties involved.

[that-marshmallow-boy]

Technology-impaired MC

Sorry, it’s been a little while since I posted anything. My original goal was to post at least three things a week, and now I have officially moved more than halfway across the country so I will have much more time from here on out (now that I am mostly unpacked). I was in some serious need for humor since I’m in the process of getting everyone’s bad ends and right now being mean to Seven is bringing me pain. Now that I’ve successfully rambled y’all’s ears off…here’s RFA + V/Saeran’s reaction to a technologically incompetent MC.

Requests are open.~

✦ZEN:

thinks it’s cute

not that he’s a tech genius himself

when he first found out he had to pause for a moment and just…look at you

“Did you just ask me…how to tripter??

you’re blushing

“I don’t know how it works but I want to see your tripter bot selfies”

omg so cute

he’s muffling laughter as he shows you how to set up an account

“You know I can send you all those selfies myself…”

can’t resist laughing when you mumble something about not knowing how to save pictures on your phone

✦Yoosung:

he’s pretty knowledgeable about technology - especially computers

LOLOL helps with that

so when you ask him how to connect your laptop to the internet

he’s rattling off the wifi name and password and not even thinking about it

“Uhm…I meant…in general…”

what

“MC you don’t know how to get internet on your computer???”

how have you survived??

he suddenly feels Very Manly™ being able to teach you something

“Don’t worry, Superman Yoosung to the rescue!”

✦Jaehee:

her job requires her to understand technology

especially since Mr. Han doesn’t

but she’s not really fazed

you asked her while blushing to help you figure out how to turn the coffee machine on

there was literally no sarcasm in her voice as she showed you

it’s literally just a button that says on/off how did she not tease you

honestly she finds it kind of endearing

you are never nervous to ask her for help again no matter how ridiculous it seemed

though mostly Jaehee made sure to handle most technology-related tasks from now on

for which you are super grateful

✦Jumin:

same

just…same

this boy had to have a freaking engineer help him replace his SIM card

and doesn’t know how to use a vending machine

so there is no judgment

…however, there’s also no asking him for help

the poor engineer is basically on call at this point

Jaehee has to help you both poor overworked girl she does not deserve this tbh

RFA enjoys teasing you both

you two don’t mind though you can’t be good at everything

✦Saeyoung:

he finds it absolutely adorable

teases you all the time about it

purposely asks you to do things he knows you have no idea how to do

you’re stubborn and insist you can figure it out you never do

and then he “rescues” you

at least he’s tech genius enough for the both of you

you do like to try to learn from him

but somehow it never sticks

“Honestly I’m surprised you manage to use the messenger with no problem” ofc he’s smirking as he says this

“Well, to be fair, I’ve never figured out how to update my status on there…” oh that explains so much

✦V:

he used to be fairly technologically competent

but his impaired vision kind of mitigates that now

he finds it cute when you ask him how to do really simple things though

like how to use Netflix or upload pictures on a computer

“You are adorable, did you know that?”

but it’s never said with condescension

he’s always willing to help and even writes down instructions so you can use things when he’s not there to help

not that you can read them omg his handwriting is so bad

“Uhm…if I type these up…will you show me how to print them?”

he has to read them to you as you type and walks you through the process it’s so cute

✦Saeran:

shocked tbh

there are still people who don’t understand technology?

well…he didn’t learn until get out from under his mother’s thumb so he guesses it makes sense

he’s always torn between annoyance and amusement when you ask for help

he usually settles on amusement

defends you when Saeyoung teases you even though he’s thinking the same thing tbh

tries to teach you the basics so you can handle things on your own

gives up fairly quickly

can’t believe how quickly the information seems to leak out of your brain

loves feeling like the hero for once tho tbh

[dorothydelgadillo]

Using Low Vision As My Tool To Help Me Teach WordPress

Using Low Vision As My Tool To Help Me Teach WordPress

Bud Kraus

2018-05-03T14:00:32+02:002018-05-03T12:08:54+00:00

When I say that I see things in a different way, I’m not kidding. It’s literally true.

For almost 30 years, I’ve lived my life with macular degeneration, a destruction of my central vision. It is the leading cause of legal blindness in the United States and I’m one of those statistics.

Macular degeneration is a malady of old age. I see the world much as a very old person does. You could say that I am “hard of seeing.”

Since my condition is present in both eyes, there is no escape. Facial recognition, driving (looking forward to driverless cars), reading, and watching movies or TV are difficult or impossible tasks for me.

Since my peripheral vision is intact, I have no problem moving about without bumping into things. In fact, if you met me you would not immediately know that I have a serious vision impairment.

Sharing this is not easy. It’s not just that I don’t want to be branded as that blind WordPress guy or to have people feel sorry for me. I don’t like to discuss it because I find it is as interesting as discussing my right-handedness. Besides, I’m hardly the only person who has a disability or illness. Many people have conditions which are far worse than mine.

I have discovered that for most people technology makes things easier. For others, like me, it makes things possible.

I focus on what I can do, not what I can’t do. Then I figure out a way to do it better than anyone else. I use what I have learned from my disability as a tool to help me communicate.

Everyone works with WordPress differently. Me, even more so. Here are some of the adjustments I’ve made as a WordPress instructor and site developer.

Getting the process just right ain't an easy task. That's why we've set up 'this-is-how-I-work'-sessions — with smart cookies sharing what works really well for them. A part of the Smashing Membership, of course.

Explore features →

1. How I Do It: Zoom/Talk/Touch

Let me show you how I really work with WordPress as I zoom in and out and let the machine talk to me.

What you don’t see here is how I use space and touch to know where objects are on a screen. It’s easy to understand this for mobile devices, but the same is true — especially for me — when it comes to knowing how far I need to move the mouse to do something. When a major change takes place on a site or in the WP Admin, it takes me time to re-orient myself to a new UI.

My visual impairment has improved my sense of touch for everything including finding and interacting with screen objects.

2. I’m Prepared

I can’t wing it. When I teach in class or do a presentation I need to know exactly what I’m going to say because I can’t read notes about what I will demonstrate. I need to have order.

The same holds true for working with clients or doing live webinars. Everything I do is structured.

I think of stories that have a beginning, middle, and end. When I teach or speak in public, I take you on a journey. I know where I will start, where I will finish, and how I got there.

Being a prep freak has made me better at everything I do.

3. I Recognize Patterns

Since I can recognize consistent shapes, I learned how to teach and use HTML and CSS. But a deep understanding of languages like Javascript and PHP are just out of my range because they are free-form and unpredictable.

Take HTML. Its hallmark is that it is a symmetrical, containerized markup system. Open tags usually need to be closed. The pattern is simple and easy for me to recognize:

<tag>Some Text Here</tag>

CSS is much the same. Its very predictable pattern make it possible for me to teach and use it. For example:

selector {style-property:value;}

Think of it this way. I can read most fonts on a screen given proper illumination and magnification. Handwriting — which is so unpredictable — is impossible to read.

My abilities give me just enough skill to create WordPress child themes.

Since vision and memory are so closely connected, you could say I have a memory disability more than any other. Pattern recognition — an aid to memory — makes it possible to work with things like code.

4. A Little Help From My Friends

If I need it, I get assistance. If a class size is large enough, I’ll get someone to sit with a student who needs attention. If I do a presentation with a laptop — something I have a hard time with — I’ll have someone work the laptop. When I need someone to spell check and work over my words, I have a friend that does that too.

5. WordPress — More Than Alt Tags

You’d think that, given my disability, I’d be an expert on accessible web design. I’m not. However, 16 years ago when user agents and assistive technologies were more hope than reality, I taught classes at Pratt Institute in New York City on design which worked for the greatest number of people on the greatest number of devices.

Sound familiar?

To be sure, WordPress has a lot of built-in accessibility awareness, either in its core or because of its enlightened plugin and theme developers. It has an active group, Make WordPress Accessible, that ensures WordPress is compliant with the WCAG 2.0 standards.

While I stress the use of the Alt attribute (it’s misunderstood as an SEO signal), I rarely discuss features such as keyboard shortcuts and tabindex. Though I’m a stakeholder in ensuring that the WordPress admin is accessible, no one would mistake me for an expert in recognizing and knocking down all barriers to access in web design.

And What About Gutenberg?

WordPress will be rolling out its new content editor, Gutenberg, in 2018 replacing its well known but aging WP editor. It features a block editing system akin to what SquareSpace, WIX, and MailChimp use.

Gutenberg has a cleaner, sleeker user interface. Many of the user options are hidden and appear only after certain mouse over actions occur. This doesn’t seem to be much of an issue for me. What is distracting is that in certain instances the Gutenberg interface will cover up parts of the page copy.

A bigger issue is how keyboard shortcuts will work. Beyond the needs of disability communities, many power users prefer shortcuts. Currently, many but not all of Gutenberg’s functions are available as a shortcut. Equally troublesome, there are no indications of shortcuts in the menus or as tooltips. Nor is there any way to easily see all shortcuts in a single list.

7. Look Ma’, No Script! Creating Videos For My Online WordPress Course

I need to memorize just about everything. While creating my training course, “The WP A To Z Series,” I could not use a script for my screen capture videos. When creating videos I have to know the material cold. I try to make you wonder if I’m reading when I’m not. The result are videos that have a personal feeling to them which is what I wanted (and the only thing I could do).

8. I Never Use More Than I Need

If I need help — be it with tech or with a human — I ask for it. If I don’t need it, I don’t ask. I get and use as much help (human and tech) as I need and never more.

Since I don’t need JAWS, a popular screen reading program, I don’t know JAWS. I don’t need speech to text software, so I don’t use Dragon Dictate.

And that is the point.

People with — or without — disabilities work with tech in ways that will help them accomplish tasks in the most efficient matter. If something is overkill, why use it?

My Way Is Probably A Lot Like Your Way — Or Is It?

Turns out, I use WordPress a lot like everyone without a disability uses it. At least I think so. Sure, I have to zoom in to see things and I don’t care for radical changes in design. But, once I understand a UI, finding or manipulating things after a redesign is similar to the challenge a blind person faces in a room where the furniture has been moved or replaced.

As you saw in my video, I need text to speech software to make it easier to understand what is on the screen. And zooming in and out is as common to me as a click is to everyone. All this takes a little more time but it’s how I get things done.

As you may have surmised — and what I can’t stress enough — is that a disability is a very personal thing in more ways than one. The things I do in order to teach and work with WordPress are probably very different from what another person does who also has macular degeneration. It’s the idiosyncrasies that make understanding and working with any disability very challenging for everyone.

(mc, ra, yk, il)

[nancydsmithus]

Using Low Vision As My Tool To Help Me Teach WordPress

Using Low Vision As My Tool To Help Me Teach WordPress

Bud Kraus

2018-05-03T14:00:32+02:002018-05-03T12:08:54+00:00

When I say that I see things in a different way, I’m not kidding. It’s literally true.

For almost 30 years, I’ve lived my life with macular degeneration, a destruction of my central vision. It is the leading cause of legal blindness in the United States and I’m one of those statistics.

Macular degeneration is a malady of old age. I see the world much as a very old person does. You could say that I am “hard of seeing.”

Since my condition is present in both eyes, there is no escape. Facial recognition, driving (looking forward to driverless cars), reading, and watching movies or TV are difficult or impossible tasks for me.

Since my peripheral vision is intact, I have no problem moving about without bumping into things. In fact, if you met me you would not immediately know that I have a serious vision impairment.

Sharing this is not easy. It’s not just that I don’t want to be branded as that blind WordPress guy or to have people feel sorry for me. I don’t like to discuss it because I find it is as interesting as discussing my right-handedness. Besides, I’m hardly the only person who has a disability or illness. Many people have conditions which are far worse than mine.

I have discovered that for most people technology makes things easier. For others, like me, it makes things possible.

I focus on what I can do, not what I can’t do. Then I figure out a way to do it better than anyone else. I use what I have learned from my disability as a tool to help me communicate.

Everyone works with WordPress differently. Me, even more so. Here are some of the adjustments I’ve made as a WordPress instructor and site developer.

Getting the process just right ain't an easy task. That's why we've set up 'this-is-how-I-work'-sessions — with smart cookies sharing what works really well for them. A part of the Smashing Membership, of course.

Explore features →

1. How I Do It: Zoom/Talk/Touch

Let me show you how I really work with WordPress as I zoom in and out and let the machine talk to me.

What you don’t see here is how I use space and touch to know where objects are on a screen. It’s easy to understand this for mobile devices, but the same is true — especially for me — when it comes to knowing how far I need to move the mouse to do something. When a major change takes place on a site or in the WP Admin, it takes me time to re-orient myself to a new UI.

My visual impairment has improved my sense of touch for everything including finding and interacting with screen objects.

2. I’m Prepared

I can’t wing it. When I teach in class or do a presentation I need to know exactly what I’m going to say because I can’t read notes about what I will demonstrate. I need to have order.

The same holds true for working with clients or doing live webinars. Everything I do is structured.

I think of stories that have a beginning, middle, and end. When I teach or speak in public, I take you on a journey. I know where I will start, where I will finish, and how I got there.

Being a prep freak has made me better at everything I do.

3. I Recognize Patterns

Since I can recognize consistent shapes, I learned how to teach and use HTML and CSS. But a deep understanding of languages like Javascript and PHP are just out of my range because they are free-form and unpredictable.

Take HTML. Its hallmark is that it is a symmetrical, containerized markup system. Open tags usually need to be closed. The pattern is simple and easy for me to recognize:

<tag>Some Text Here</tag>

CSS is much the same. Its very predictable pattern make it possible for me to teach and use it. For example:

selector {style-property:value;}

Think of it this way. I can read most fonts on a screen given proper illumination and magnification. Handwriting — which is so unpredictable — is impossible to read.

My abilities give me just enough skill to create WordPress child themes.

Since vision and memory are so closely connected, you could say I have a memory disability more than any other. Pattern recognition — an aid to memory — makes it possible to work with things like code.

4. A Little Help From My Friends

If I need it, I get assistance. If a class size is large enough, I’ll get someone to sit with a student who needs attention. If I do a presentation with a laptop — something I have a hard time with — I’ll have someone work the laptop. When I need someone to spell check and work over my words, I have a friend that does that too.

5. WordPress — More Than Alt Tags

You’d think that, given my disability, I’d be an expert on accessible web design. I’m not. However, 16 years ago when user agents and assistive technologies were more hope than reality, I taught classes at Pratt Institute in New York City on design which worked for the greatest number of people on the greatest number of devices.

Sound familiar?

To be sure, WordPress has a lot of built-in accessibility awareness, either in its core or because of its enlightened plugin and theme developers. It has an active group, Make WordPress Accessible, that ensures WordPress is compliant with the WCAG 2.0 standards.

While I stress the use of the Alt attribute (it’s misunderstood as an SEO signal), I rarely discuss features such as keyboard shortcuts and tabindex. Though I’m a stakeholder in ensuring that the WordPress admin is accessible, no one would mistake me for an expert in recognizing and knocking down all barriers to access in web design.

And What About Gutenberg?

WordPress will be rolling out its new content editor, Gutenberg, in 2018 replacing its well known but aging WP editor. It features a block editing system akin to what SquareSpace, WIX, and MailChimp use.

Gutenberg has a cleaner, sleeker user interface. Many of the user options are hidden and appear only after certain mouse over actions occur. This doesn’t seem to be much of an issue for me. What is distracting is that in certain instances the Gutenberg interface will cover up parts of the page copy.

A bigger issue is how keyboard shortcuts will work. Beyond the needs of disability communities, many power users prefer shortcuts. Currently, many but not all of Gutenberg’s functions are available as a shortcut. Equally troublesome, there are no indications of shortcuts in the menus or as tooltips. Nor is there any way to easily see all shortcuts in a single list.

7. Look Ma’, No Script! Creating Videos For My Online WordPress Course

I need to memorize just about everything. While creating my training course, “The WP A To Z Series,” I could not use a script for my screen capture videos. When creating videos I have to know the material cold. I try to make you wonder if I’m reading when I’m not. The result are videos that have a personal feeling to them which is what I wanted (and the only thing I could do).

8. I Never Use More Than I Need

If I need help — be it with tech or with a human — I ask for it. If I don’t need it, I don’t ask. I get and use as much help (human and tech) as I need and never more.

Since I don’t need JAWS, a popular screen reading program, I don’t know JAWS. I don’t need speech to text software, so I don’t use Dragon Dictate.

And that is the point.

People with — or without — disabilities work with tech in ways that will help them accomplish tasks in the most efficient matter. If something is overkill, why use it?

My Way Is Probably A Lot Like Your Way — Or Is It?

Turns out, I use WordPress a lot like everyone without a disability uses it. At least I think so. Sure, I have to zoom in to see things and I don’t care for radical changes in design. But, once I understand a UI, finding or manipulating things after a redesign is similar to the challenge a blind person faces in a room where the furniture has been moved or replaced.

As you saw in my video, I need text to speech software to make it easier to understand what is on the screen. And zooming in and out is as common to me as a click is to everyone. All this takes a little more time but it’s how I get things done.

As you may have surmised — and what I can’t stress enough — is that a disability is a very personal thing in more ways than one. The things I do in order to teach and work with WordPress are probably very different from what another person does who also has macular degeneration. It’s the idiosyncrasies that make understanding and working with any disability very challenging for everyone.

(mc, ra, yk, il)

[ssteezyy]

Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris: Dr. Kris Answers May’s Questions

Welcome to our regular “Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris” segment! Once a month, Dr. Kris answers as many of your questions as he can, and you can leave new questions for him in a comment.

Dr. Kristopher Chandroo is a veterinarian, scientist, photographer, animal welfare advocate, and creator of Stress to Success (STS): The Essential Guide to Medicating Your Feisty, Grumpy or Reluctant Cat.  Dr. Kris wants  your cats to be twenty years old. And counting! And he wants to provide medication and therapy to them in a way that respects the bond between cat and human.

Here are Dr. Kris’ answers to some of your questions asked in May. If your question didn’t get answered here, Dr. Kris will answer them on his own website in the future. Subscribe to his updates so you’ll be notified when the answers are published.

Black lump under bottom lip

Hi, my cat has a black ball right under her bottom lip, should I be worried?

After you read the answer below, also read this on “should I be concerned about this thing my cat is doing”.

But things that look like lumps or black balls can be a bit different, so I err on the side of knowledge whenever a cat grows something on their skin, lip, or just about anywhere. The more you know about what the black ball is, the more you know what to do about it. I want to categorize anything lump-like into inflammatory (chin acne etc), a growth (skin tag, cyst etc), and ensure there are no cancer cells in there.

It takes me about 5 minutes to do this in an exam room, by doing something called a fine needle aspirate (FNA) and cytology.

For folks who say, “nah, I’ll just watch it for now”, I just tell them that the morning they wake up, look at the lump and say “I gotta know what that is,” then we can figure it out at that point in time.

Sometimes lumps scab, fall off and don’t come back…problem solved! Sometimes they stay and don’t cause any problems. Sometimes they are the tip of a problem iceberg. We never really know, and I gave up guessing a long time ago. A FNA and cytology are my “don’t have to worry about it” tools.

Here is a story for ya:

I once had a client who when I pointed out a small lump on her cat, looked at me and said it didn’t matter what the lump was, because she would never do anything about it. That’s fine (the lump wasn’t bothering her cat at the time), but it was the way she said it – It was like she was proud of her decision to not do anything.

I let it go, and finished the exam. As we concluded, she made a point to bring it up again. She looked me in the eye, pointed at her cat, and said, “just so you know, if that lump was something not good, I wouldn’t do a thing about it”.

Now, this is code speak for “they are just animals so it doesn’t matter or it’s not worth it to me”.

And I hear this sentiment all the time.

I stopped taking this kind of thing personally long ago – even though she really seemed to want me to! This is the reason my Dad could never be a vet – he would freak out if he heard someone say that!

People always say to me that they could never be a vet because of the sadness of euthanasia. And while that has its impact, it’s not the main thing that can crush you in this career. What can take you down is the intensity with which you are exposed to the callousness of people towards animals, or the personal attacks from people you try to help.

I looked at her and said, “some animals we love, some we eat, and some fall in between. I’m not here to tell you what your relationship with your cat should be, but most of us are here to bring as much good into the world as we can”.

I never saw her again.

What bloodwork should be done prior to dental surgery?

I recently took my adopted 8 year old to have his teeth cleaned. The diagnosis of – one, possibly two resorptive lesions – was reported. I have made an appointment with a recommended Animal Dentist (cha ching cha ching) to have x-rays and an assessment done. Question: as blood work is required, can you address specific blood work tests to order?

It’s true – vet dentist, Cha-Ching! But damn, they can be good at what they do. I would be 100% carpal tunnel if I still did as many dentistries as I used to do!

The absolute basics for bloodwork would tell you what the kidneys and liver are up to. That way, if we go in suspecting one thing, but the dental X-rays tell us it’s something more, I know what exact options I can use for pain control afterwards. Typically though, the way most modern labs are set up, you get way more bang for your buck by running a typical feline wellness panel.

Bloodwork can be a clue into a cat’s suitability for anesthesia.

You want anesthesia to be BORING. Anesthesia is the absolute wrong place for surprises. So a typical anesthetic blood panel (that gives me more than just liver and kidney tests) helps keep things boring. Boring is good for cat anesthesia.

P.S. – thanks for fixing your cats teeth even with the dental specialist Cha-Ching!

Corneal degeneration in one eye

My not quite 5 year old cat has been diagnosed with corneal degeneration in one eye (calcium deposits). How serious is this diagnosis. Is his sight impaired now? Can he lose his eyesight? Treatment and prognosis?

These can be super variable and therefore hard to generalize. But then again, that just sounds like cats right? So here we go.

I take a lot of pictures. But I lose lens caps all the time. And most of my lenses don’t have that protective filter. So it’s inevitable that crap gets right on the lens. So you look at the lens, and you can see a big blob of deposit right in the middle of it.

But then when you look at the picture, it’s fine. You don’t see artifacts on the JPEG. As it turns out, when contaminants are so close to the part of the camera that makes the picture (the sensor), the physics of everything works out so it’s not that noticeable.

So stuff on our cornea, which is so close to the retina? Probably not making that much of a difference to vision. It has to be a lot.

If the deposits on the cornea happen at the same time as inflammation (keratitis), ulcers, or anything that makes our cats feel funny about it, then I send them to the eye specialist because – cats can be super variable and hard to generalize. Eye specialist gets me lots of info so I can make a strategy with less guess work.

How to brush a cat’s teeth who hates having her mouth touched?

Do you have any tips for brushing the teeth of kitties that hate their mouth being touched, it causes them stress, and are not treat motivated?

I’m an adult, and I can’t swim. I once went to a swimming lesson, and the teacher looked at me (brown dude with Caribbean/Indian heritage), and my body type (I have muscles), and said, “you brown boys sink all the time”. And it’s true. My parents are from a Caribbean island. And yet, this generation cant swim. Sticking me on a surf board in cold Pacific Ocean water with turbulent waves will give the same results as trying to brush the teeth of cats who hate having their mouth touched and are not food motivated. It’s all undertow and not much fun.

Oh, there are tricks alright. Things we could do to get prepared. First, my swim instructor saw the subtle signs of stress when I stick my face underwater. So we practiced that, until those signs were gone. Then we practiced floating in the water. Which was difficult for me. And then weeks later we got to a point where I did ok in the deep part of a calm pool. And then life got busy and I stopped. Ughhh….

I do something called the “olfactory kick start“. I do it when I have a kitty who really isn’t into food, but we have to make them feel better about something they have not learned to like. You activate their smell system instead to give them a reward. It’s like having less tension or stress when your face goes into the water. If you signed up at http://ift.tt/1Ork4rK you get a few emails that talk about that.

From there, you are going to shape their behavior, step by step. The first step there is called the 80% rule, which states that most of the success in trying to do something that could be perceived as bad, happens before you even touch them! Just by finding your cat’s preferences when it comes to handling. At that point, you’ll know a lot about the potential for your cat to accept brushing. Like when your ready to put the skin suit on and get on the board.

But also know that if life gets busy, sometimes your vet clinic takes on this role. They can scale the teeth for you. It’s ok if you can’t ever do it as long as they are getting their teeth checked.

Some cat’s are not designed to let you do it – but its worthwhile trying!

Treatment for arthritis

Is there a good treatment for arthritis? I give my 19 year old cat stuff in a tube that I get from PetSmart. Wondered if there is anything better. My vet ordered me some stuff in a tube and my cat wouldn’t have anything to do with it, just the stuff from PetSmart.

Ingrid May 8, 2017 at 4:09 pm (4 weeks ago)

I’m sure Dr. Kris will chime in,but in the meantime, this article may help: http://ift.tt/1EHAGGd

Ingrid has a great page there with good advice. Start with that.

I hear this. So many people looking for help for their arthritic cats. I’m working on an Ultimate Guide for this. Stay tuned…

Is there any new or successful treatment for feline hyperesthesia syndrome?

When you think of hyperethesia, I want you to think “my cat has an exaggerated response”. That’s all it tells you. A little bit of something gives you a whole lot of something else. The question then becomes, exaggerated to what exactly? There is a huge list of things your body can respond to in an exaggerated way. The treatment lives there. But the journey is finding out what the body is abnormally responding to. It’s not easy.

If it’s anxiety driven, neurological, physical injury or arthritis related, or caused by the immune system (i.e. allergy), typically we can expect some success with treatment given for those specific issues. It’s difficult because sometimes what you see isn’t what you get. And the road can be long to get there.

I took a year away from vet medicine to try and help my sister who had a similar response (called allodynia in people). Her pain system was in a permanent state of being on and firing, and anything that touched her skin would make her writhe in pain. I hit the books, went to the primary research, and eventually found out for her that ketamine infusions should be the top of the list that we should try. If she was furry with four legs I could have done the treatments myself. But cause she wasn’t a cat or dog, and everyone else refused to treat her, it took a trip to the US to a private clinic, and two months later she could actually touch her skin again without being in agony. Without insurance for health care in the US (editor’s comment: Dr. Kris is Canadian), I don’t have to tell you how many credit cards we maxed out. But we were grateful. There is a video of us somewhere on the interwebs, as she was one of the first patients to have this done, showing her finally getting some relief.

I often think about these cats the same way. There is an answer there, but it can be a journey to get there. But if you have people willing to dig deeper to help find the answers, it’s possible.

Guardian wants indoor cat to poop outside

I’m trying to make my indoor cat an outdoor cat and get her to poop outside, but she will hold it all day for when I let her in at night or she will try to sneak in and run to the cat box during the day then run back to the door wanting out. I am so frustrated with her. She is 9 years old and a momma’s girl. How can I get her to poop outside like my male cat does so easily.

You have the opposite problem of 99.99% of people with litter box issues. Your cat WANTS to use the litter box and is actively working and insisting to do so! And she’s done that for most of her 9 years I am assuming.

The short answer is that you won’t be able to get her to poop outside just like your male cat does SO EASILY. Not gonna happen. Would love to be wrong.

It would be like asking you to stop using a bathroom a use a public squat toilet, even though you never had to do it in your first 45 years of life! I would be…pissed? Get it? I know…bad jokes. Yes you could shut her outside to force her to but…that’s unnecessarily traumatic.

So you can try and shape her behavior. Don’t know if this would work for you or her but:

Week 1) Litter box goes closer to the outside door, step by step. She might be ok with it. She might hate this.

Week 2) Litter box goes on porch outside some of the day, and in the home some of the day. She might be ok with this, or she might hate this.

Week 3) A second litter box is placed outside. She might use it. Or she might hate this. Hopefully she will use both.

Week 4) Remove the first litter box indoors.

That or some variation of that could work. But good luck. She might enjoy the outdoors right? The grass, insects, fresh air?

(Ingrid’s comment: While I appreciate that Dr. Kris tackled this question, I think trying to convince a cat who is using the litter box without issues to eliminate outside could create behavioral and health issues. Dealing with a litter box is part of being a cat guardian, even if it’s a little smelly sometimes.)

Do you have a question for Dr. Kris? Leave it in a comment!

The post Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris: Dr. Kris Answers May’s Questions appeared first on The Conscious Cat.